NaNoWriNO Day 17
Topic: Dating Shenanigans
I’m a long-term relationship girl. I’m not commitment-minded in the least bit, but every few years someone comes along, and we somehow end up in a pretty serious relationship. It goes something like this: we meet, we’re friends, he tells me he loves me, we try dating, and then we’re heading to Ikea to pick out our new couch.
Still, I’ve been on actual dates. You know, the ones where you shave your legs for the first time in a month, and you eat a salad at dinner, and then you wait for him to call you? At least I think that’s how it goes. I wouldn’t know because I just wear jeans to hide my leg stubble, order a steak, and then never wait by the phone because I barely remembered I went on a date.
There was a period in my life when I went on so many “one date only” dates that it felt like being stuck in an episode of Love Connection.
Let’s meet some of my potential suitors, shall we?
Getting over an old relationship is tough, and sometimes you reenter the dating world when you’re not quite ready. I went out with a guy who had recently gotten divorced, but said he was “in a good place” and was ready to start meeting new people. He wasn’t. While we were at dinner, he asked me why my last relationship ended. I briefly explained, and then asked him why his marriage ended. He started crying…and never stopped. He had tears running down his face, and snot coming out of his nose. He kept saying she had ripped his heart out, and he was only half a man now. People in the restaurant were staring at us, and I was mortified. When we wrapped up and got outside, he tried to kiss me. I told him I had herpes, and that it was probably best if he lost my number.
I met a guy at a volunteering event, and throughout the course of the day we discovered we had a ton of stuff in common. When he asked me out, I happily accepted. Everything on the date was great. The food was perfect, the conversation was moving along, and we took a nice walk afterwards. At the end of the date he asked me if I had any sexual fantasies. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing that; he said he’d go first so I wouldn’t be so shy. He proceeded to tell me that he had a fetish with licking the inside of a girl’s nostrils, and running the tip of his tongue along eyeballs. He said I had the cutest nose and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, and couldn’t wait to get his tongue on them. I totally froze up, and just nodded and stared. He could tell I was really turned off by it, and began telling me how sexually repressed Americans are. The end of the date finished with him saying I should pull the stick out of my ass before going out with anyone else.
If you meet a guy who is cultured, smart, cute, funny, successful, respectful, a good dresser, and knows his way around a wine list, you should be suspicious. I went out with a guy who, on paper, is every woman’s dream man. We went to a cool little coffee house, and talked for over 6 hours. He was ridiculously funny, and I liked that there was a bit of a “bite” to him. Despite having a great time, I didn’t feel a spark between us. When the date was over, he walked me to my car and we awkwardly lingered there for a few minutes. He said, “Look, you’re really cool, and I had a fun time. I know this is the part where I’m supposed to kiss you, but………………..I’m gay. I realized right now I’m definitely gay.” He went on to explain that he had previously thought he might be gay, but wanted to give it one last shot before throwing in the towel on women. Who knew I was the last stop on the train to Homosexual Town?
And now we know why Jen doesn’t do the whole dating thing. Sorry Chuck, but this girl will take her chances with fate.