Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind

12 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 12

Subject: Bad fashions

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I don’t know that it’s entirely fair for me to be writing about others’ poor fashion choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting on my high horse up here on Mount Critical, but am I qualified to be giving out advice on what people should or shouldn’t be wearing? My daily uniform consists of Converse shoes, jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I look like I shop in the lost and found box at an all-boys high school.

Still, my brain sometimes tells me stuff like, “Hey, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed if you stare at it for too long at it.” This typically happens with the sun, or when looking at Donatella Versace’s tan. Once every couple of years, a fashion trend comes along that makes my soul bleed.

Skinny Jeans

They need to rename these “You’ll Look Anything But Skinny Jeans” because that’s exactly what they are. How the fashion world convinced women that it’s cool to make their asses look flatter, and hips look wider is beyond me. Not only have women purchased skinny jeans in droves, but now men are embracing the testicle-suffocating pants as well. Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask. You know what would be helpful? If designers created jeans that actually made us look skinny.

Nothing is sexier than highlighting all of your flaws in overpriced pants

Gladiator Sandals

Gladiator sandals are the skinny jeans of footwear. With all of the open toed options out there, I’m not sure why anyone would pick this shoe. I always imagine a woman saying, “I’ve worked really hard to get my legs into shape, and now I’d like to make them look as stumpy as possible. If only there were a shoe that gave me cankles…” Unless you’re about to slay lions in a Roman Colosseum, please just put on a pair of flip flops.

Russell Crowe in “Gladiator” or misguided fashionista?

Butts as billboards

I blame Juicy Couture for this hot mess. They slapped words across the butts of overpriced sweatpants, and celebrities and desperate housewives everywhere went bananas. Finally, a way to look expensive and lazy at the same time! Pretty soon every manufacturer was coming out with pants that had “Cutie” “Sexy” or “Sweet” emblazoned across their backsides. I saw a post-menopausal woman with the word “Tasty” on her sweatpants, and it looked like the word was melting as time had been unkind to her derriere. If you want to advertise something, take out an ad in your local newspaper.

New pants from the Spring 2013 Juicy Couture collection

Harem Pants

There are only three reasons you’d wear these fugtastic pants: (1) You were MC Hammer in a previous lifetime or (2) You lost a bet or (3) Your boyfriend has a serious genie fetish. If none of these things applies to you, then there is NO REASON to wear them. Ever. Did someone offer you a pair when you ran out of your home in nothing but your underwear after a fire alarm went off? You look them dead in the eye and say, “I may have lost my garage in the blaze, but I didn’t lose my pride.”

Because guys love it when a woman has a 2-foot-long crotch

Crocs

It’s…I can’t even…just…NO.

Even the crocodile wants to eradicate this foot malady

There were definitely other contenders which almost made the list: ponchos, high-waisted shorts, shoulder pads, leggings worn as pants, and anything Ed Hardy. Then I looked in my closet, and found another ten or so that could have been added.

Which fashion trends are on your no-no lists?

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Thanks to Bad Fads for encouraging me to write about this topic. Definitely check out her blog as this is really her area of expertise.

NaNoWriNO Day 11

NaNoWriNO Day 13

109 Responses to “Clothes Encounter Of The Bad Kind”

  1. Smaktakula 11/13/2012 at 11:02 pm #

    I’ll be the first to admit (after everyone who knows me) that I have zero fashion sense, but most of your photo selections were pretty heinous. However, I think the gladiatrix shoes were pretty cool.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/15/2012 at 8:28 am #

      I think you could pull off gladiator sandals. You’ve got the personality and the sexy, sexy calves to.

  2. Summer 11/13/2012 at 3:07 pm #

    Indeed – skinny jeans & jeggings were meant to be worn with boots and boots only. Otherwise, they are the most unflattering things. And thank you… I’ve hated gladiator sandals for years! I also loathe belts that are worn around the mid-section (they aren’t holding anything up), anything PINK by Victoria’s Secret and shirts with elastic bands at the bottom. Seriously… if you have boobs, the elastic band at the bottom of a shirt turns your mid-section into a huge bubble. Why do clothes designers aim to make us look like shit?

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 1:45 am #

      I HATE those shirts with bands at the mid-section. I always feel like I’m pregnant (or at least really bloated) when I wear them. They aren’t flattering for anyone other than undeveloped 10-year-old girls.

  3. writerwendyreid 11/13/2012 at 1:25 pm #

    Crocs and harem pants were high on my list Jen, as well as muscle shirts on men with no muscle, jeans/pants worn down low enough to show 2/3 of your underwear tight jeans worn by women with too much excess belly fat, creating a LARGE muffin top. Ew.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:53 pm #

      It makes me sad when I see people who have a good body, but have chosen to wear unflattering pants. I just want to yell at them, “You don’t have to put down the cake to look good. Just buy a new pair of pants you fool.”

      • writerwendyreid 11/13/2012 at 5:30 pm #

        lol…yeah. When I was working at the local mall here, there were 2 sisters, BOTH had too much “middle” and both insisted on wearing tight, low waisted jeans which looked ridiculous. I guess they figured that because they were young, they were entitled to the fashion, regardless of what shape their bodies were in. It grossed me out and always made me shake my head.

  4. Bill Friday 11/13/2012 at 10:31 am #

    Believing myself to be older than anyone else in this fine comment thread (and having been raised by old people), let me say that I think I have seen every bad fashion fad, dating back to the Roosevelt Administration. Having said that, my personal high(low)lights would be…

    Levi’s 501 Jeans. I wore them around the time Dave Grohl played drums for a little band called Nirvana. I would buy them used from the Army/Navy store for nine bucks a pair, and they always fit like a perfect glove. Now, no matter what size it says on the label, they always fit like an undersized denim jockstrap with legs.

    Now I choose jeans based on more than just the waist and the inseam. Because no one should ever have to adjust their jeans like a batter at home plate adjusting the body armor covering his “crotchal region”.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:44 pm #

      Yeah, the classic 501 jeans don’t fit like they used to. I had a pair way back when that I loved, but the material they use now is too stiff in my opinion. The women’s jeans have come a long way, but I doubt you want bootcut pants that enhance your sexy curves.

      • Bill Friday 11/13/2012 at 2:48 pm #

        Note to Self: Acquire “sexy curves”.

        • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:54 pm #

          You’ve already got sexy legs. Don’t be a sexy hog.

  5. workspousestory 11/13/2012 at 3:54 am #

    Do I dear say it? I love skinny jeans. I agree, they require the rest of the attire to kinda work, but I find that when I have skinny jeans on, I can have an oversized sweater on and still feel and look sexy. And nothing adds to it more than heels.
    Also, I do not own, but don’t mind harem pants. Difficult to pull off, but certainly possible IMHO. Gladiator sandals… got a couple of pairs that are not standard gladiators, but I suppose I have to also say I like them. They look fantastic with a longer, high-waisted summer dress.

    What I hate is sweatpants of any sort in public. Especially in conjunction with Ugg boots (seems to be the standard attire of a large group of girls in the UK…). Crocs – absolutely detest them. I wouldn’t even wear them at home. Low-cut jeans – same. I do not want to see that. I don’t.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:29 pm #

      Perhaps skinny jeans are just temperamental, and need someone to give them the proper TLC they need to look good. I am the laziest dresser ever so it certainly isn’t me.

  6. Soul Walker 11/12/2012 at 7:05 pm #

    I love crocs. I bring them backpacking as camp shoes. I could care less if someone else doesn’t like my outdoor wear. And I always think it is silly when people wear things intended for something you know they will never do… Are you a skate-boarder? Then maybe Vans are for you. Are you a rock-climber– then of course you are wearing flip flops to dinner. Are you a skier? Well then those Uggs with tights are expected after having your feet in cold plastic all day… and on and on and on and on…

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:27 pm #

      So you’re saying I shouldn’t be wearing flippers to work?

      • Soul Walker 11/13/2012 at 4:27 pm #

        I don’t even think long-distance swimmers wear their flippers after they get out of the water… so, yeah… why don’t you just go ahead and rock those things all day. Do it for me… or the children… or for me as an overgrown child.

  7. Fern DeVilliers 11/12/2012 at 6:26 pm #

    I have a real aversion to those “bike racing suits” that people wear who AREN’T biking racing. Oh yeah, and I hate gladiator sandals. And wet and salt-stained UGGS.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:26 pm #

      I work from my home, and occasionally I head to a local coffee shop to get some human interaction. There is a group of 5 guys, all 50+ who come in their biking uniforms and sit there in full gear for a couple of hours twice a week. They don’t care that their wangs are bulging out while the rest of us are trying to work.

  8. GiggsMcGill Jill 11/12/2012 at 3:49 pm #

    I can’t even get skinny jeans to go over my calves. Sad day! So I’m a skinny jean hater as well! And I definitely agree with everything else on your list.

    Luckily I recently donated 4 bags of clothes from my closet, so I think anything I would have had to add to the list is gone ^.^

    • Jen and Tonic 11/13/2012 at 2:23 pm #

      I hear you. I went through my closet a few months ago and I just wondered why nobody told me that two-tone neon shirts weren’t a good look for me.

      • GiggsMcGill Jill 11/13/2012 at 9:20 pm #

        But with your hair color – the two-tone looks great! THAT’s why no one mentioned it! ^.^

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