NaNoWriNO Day 12
Subject: Bad fashions
I don’t know that it’s entirely fair for me to be writing about others’ poor fashion choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love sitting on my high horse up here on Mount Critical, but am I qualified to be giving out advice on what people should or shouldn’t be wearing? My daily uniform consists of Converse shoes, jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. I look like I shop in the lost and found box at an all-boys high school.
Still, my brain sometimes tells me stuff like, “Hey, this is probably going to make your eyes bleed if you stare at it for too long at it.” This typically happens with the sun, or when looking at Donatella Versace’s tan. Once every couple of years, a fashion trend comes along that makes my soul bleed.
They need to rename these “You’ll Look Anything But Skinny Jeans” because that’s exactly what they are. How the fashion world convinced women that it’s cool to make their asses look flatter, and hips look wider is beyond me. Not only have women purchased skinny jeans in droves, but now men are embracing the testicle-suffocating pants as well. Look, if your balls want a hug, just ask. You know what would be helpful? If designers created jeans that actually made us look skinny.
Gladiator sandals are the skinny jeans of footwear. With all of the open toed options out there, I’m not sure why anyone would pick this shoe. I always imagine a woman saying, “I’ve worked really hard to get my legs into shape, and now I’d like to make them look as stumpy as possible. If only there were a shoe that gave me cankles…” Unless you’re about to slay lions in a Roman Colosseum, please just put on a pair of flip flops.
Butts as billboards
I blame Juicy Couture for this hot mess. They slapped words across the butts of overpriced sweatpants, and celebrities and desperate housewives everywhere went bananas. Finally, a way to look expensive and lazy at the same time! Pretty soon every manufacturer was coming out with pants that had “Cutie” “Sexy” or “Sweet” emblazoned across their backsides. I saw a post-menopausal woman with the word “Tasty” on her sweatpants, and it looked like the word was melting as time had been unkind to her derriere. If you want to advertise something, take out an ad in your local newspaper.
There are only three reasons you’d wear these fugtastic pants: (1) You were MC Hammer in a previous lifetime or (2) You lost a bet or (3) Your boyfriend has a serious genie fetish. If none of these things applies to you, then there is NO REASON to wear them. Ever. Did someone offer you a pair when you ran out of your home in nothing but your underwear after a fire alarm went off? You look them dead in the eye and say, “I may have lost my garage in the blaze, but I didn’t lose my pride.”
It’s…I can’t even…just…NO.
There were definitely other contenders which almost made the list: ponchos, high-waisted shorts, shoulder pads, leggings worn as pants, and anything Ed Hardy. Then I looked in my closet, and found another ten or so that could have been added.
Which fashion trends are on your no-no lists?
Thanks to Bad Fads for encouraging me to write about this topic. Definitely check out her blog as this is really her area of expertise.