The Golden Homegirls

10 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 10

Topic: Which Golden Girls character would I be, and why?

————————————————————————————————————————————————————

It is no secret that The Golden Girls is one of my favorite shows of all time. Scratch that. It absolutely is my favorite show of all time. I was born only four years prior to its debut; lucky for me, I was born a middle aged woman so I was able to appreciate it at the height of its popularity. If you haven’t seen it, I highly encourage you to stream it somewhere online.

Dorothy Zbornak, played by Bea Arthur, was absolutely my favorite character on the series. She was smart, sarcastic and the most masculine of all the ladies. Men weren’t interested in her, and she always had a faint whisper of facial hair. It was like looking at my future.

When I picked this topic, I immediately concluded that she is who I’d be. Sadly, there’s no fun in a quick decision. My blog post would have looked something like this: “I would be Dorothy because we’re both hot messes. The end.”

I decided I’d write about how unlike the other characters I am, thus proving that she is my television soulmate. As I did this, I began to realize there was a little bit of each of the ladies in me. In these instances, the only solution is to go head to head in a points-based challenge. Well, it’s the only solution if you’re an anal retentive nerd like I am.

Round 1: Blanche Devaraux

Blanche: Sexually promiscuous. Just might be the world’s first cougar.

Me: It’s easier to land a Boeing 747 in a schoolyard than get me into bed.

+0 Points

Blanche: Dirty mouth, even dirtier mind.

Me: You know how cleaning supply companies are always saying they can only get rid of 99.99% of germs? My dirty thoughts are those .01%.

+1 Point

Blanche: Believes she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

Me: I’m surprised when people look at me without throwing up.

+0 Points

Blanche: Classy, and likes the finer things in life.

Me: I once ate a piece of pizza out of the trash.

+0 Points

Total Points: 1

Round 2: Rose Nylund

Rose: Dumb as a box of rocks.

Me: I’ve actually got a pretty high IQ. I know, I almost don’t believe it either.

+0 Points

Rose: Gets embarrassed when buying condoms

Me: I’d rather be celibate than walk up to the counter with a pack of Magnums.

+1 Point

Rose: Tells stories with no real beginnings or endings that nobody enjoys hearing.

Me: Ditto.

+1 Point

Rose: Was a grief counselor.

Me: I cause people grief.

+0 Points

Total Points: 2

Round 3: Dorothy Zbornak

Dorothy: A slight mustache throughout most of the seasons

Me: A slight 5 o’clock shadow throughout most of my life

+1 Point

Dorothy: Couldn’t catch a man if it was being thrown at her.

Me: I once threw up while attempting to ask a man out.

+1 Point

Dorothy: Bad dresser. Looks like someone who only has access to curtains and ankle boots.

Me: Bad dresser. I look like someone who only has access to ill-fitting hoodies and Converse.

+1 Point

Dorothy: Lives with her mom

Me: I live with 10 cats and the memories of my youth.

+0 Points

Total Points: 3

Round 4: Sophia Petrillo

Sophia: Is a proud Italian

Me: I’m hairy like an Italian

+1 Point

Sophia: Loves to wear a sassy hat as all old people do.

Me: I love to wear beanies as all people with fiveheads do.

+1 Point

Sophia: Is a mother.

Me: I’d rather pass a kidney stone every day for the rest of my life than have a child.

+0 Points

Sophia: Claims to have had romantic relationships with high profile people.

Me: My only claim to fame is going out with one of those people who dresses up as a sandwich outside of a Subway restaurant

+0 point

Total Points: 2

*Winner*

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Thanks to the following bloggers for suggesting I write about this topic:

NaNoWriNO Day 9

NaNoWriNO Day 11

43 Responses to “The Golden Homegirls”

  1. saradraws 11/11/2012 at 4:01 pm #

    Now I must do some serious introspection. You are the Zen master of pop culture wisdom. And how did I miss the call for submissions on topics? I suck so hard at keeping up.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 12:50 am #

      I think you saw it, but said you were going to think about it and get back to me. I was getting a bit nervous at the depth of the topic you were coming up with after all this time. You know I’m not deep!

      • saradraws 11/12/2012 at 4:24 am #

        HA! I forgot all about that threat. Sort of sums up my social interactions.

  2. Storkhunter 11/11/2012 at 2:39 am #

    I remember watching episodes of these years ago, but don’t remember enough to make comparisons, but based on your descriptions: I have a filthy mind like Blanche, nothing of Rose, I have a man but trust me left to my own devices these days and I would also probably have 10 cats, so that’s my tribute to Dorothy. As for Sophia, I’m a mother who hates hats.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:10 am #

      And I love your filthy mind. Don’t ever change that.

      • Storkhunter 11/12/2012 at 5:53 am #

        I love my filthy mind too. It makes for a great companion

  3. Love and Lunchmeat 11/10/2012 at 9:41 pm #

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single full episode, but I’m probably more of a Rose, especially with the story-telling, and I get embarrassed just thinking about buying condoms. Also, I once threw up while on a date. He was a total gentleman about it at the time, but that was the last I ever heard from him. Oops.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:10 am #

      Did you throw up on him because you mixed salmon and shots of Patron? Because that was my excuse.

  4. Fern DeVilliers 11/10/2012 at 4:52 pm #

    I love that you ate pizza out of the trash once. I mean, I would never do that, but I think it’s awesome that you did. You must’ve been really hungry. Or drunk.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:09 am #

      I may or may not have been high at the time. If the police ask, you never heard anything.

  5. writerwendyreid 11/10/2012 at 2:14 pm #

    I am so Blanche. :-) Funny post Jen.

  6. Bill Friday 11/10/2012 at 1:43 pm #

    A few brief (I swear) observations… as seen through the lens of Social Media.

    *Blanche would have been all over Facebook, passing herself off as a writer of Mature Woman on Sweaty Cowboy fiction. Aw hell! Mature Woman on ANYboy fiction.

    *Rose would have been the moderator of the St. Olaf Facebook Fan Page while simultaneously uploading old yearbook pictures on Instagram.

    *Sophia wouldn’t have given a crap about Facebook, and would have told you so as she filled her purse with every item from the buffet line, just in case another Great Depression hit during her cab ride home… while Tweeting about it!

    *Dorothy would have opened a WordPress account, taken up the Screen Name, “Jen and Tonic”, and told you everything about her ex-husband Stan. Oh, and truth Bea told… Dorothy was the only Girl who was ever a real woman.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:06 am #

      (Pussycat Dolls reference alert) Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like Bea?

  7. Kelly 11/10/2012 at 11:52 am #

    I’m a Blanche. I always thought those charms that you hang on your wine glass were silly. Who needs to mark their glass if you just keep it in your hand? Well, then I got a package of Golden Girls wine glass charms. Changed my life. Sure did.

  8. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 11/10/2012 at 11:35 am #

    I’m waiting for you to write about my favorite, MATTLOCK!

  9. aliceatwonderland 11/10/2012 at 8:50 am #

    I want to be like Sophia when I’m that age. I want to be like her NOW. I love how she doesn’t give a shit and just says whatever the hell she wants. I respect that.

  10. Dani Heart 11/10/2012 at 8:29 am #

    I loved the golden girls too. Such a fun show. Fun post Jen. :)

  11. Madame Weebles 11/10/2012 at 7:52 am #

    As someone who has been told that she reminds people of Dorothy Zbornak, I can only say, “REPRESENT, SISTER!!”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:04 am #

      *pounds fist to chest* Golden Homegirls, represent!

  12. Cathy Ulrich 11/10/2012 at 7:37 am #

    Great post, Jen. While I’m not Rose, I loved the character – mainly because I love Betty White. She is like the energizer bunny – she keeps going and going and going. Also LOVED the Snickers commercial she did. Hilarious!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:03 am #

      Betty White is flawless, she can do no wrong. I love that she built a career in comedy during a time when women just didn’t do that.

  13. nikkix2 11/10/2012 at 7:25 am #

    My girls actually own the box sets of The Golden Girls,,,I love to hear the laughs of my 18 and 14yr old girls watching a good comedy!

    I’m definately Blanche!!! Yah,,i’m a classy whore like that! (shhh don’t tell bf)!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:03 am #

      Every group needs a Blanche! She’s the one who spices things up.

  14. The Waiting 11/10/2012 at 6:32 am #

    I have so many good memories of the Golden Girls. I used to watch it with my grandmother. It was really similar to the movie Grease in that I was allowed to watch it all through my childhood despite the fact that it’s kind of dirty and dark. Since you are Dorothy, I am Rose. I am way more into playing “what Golden Girl are you?” than “what Sex in the City girl are you?”

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:02 am #

      The other day I say a Golden Girls meme that showed a picture of Blanche and it said, “The Original Samantha Jones” on it. So true!

      And yeah, looking back, it was very sexual and progressive for its time. I also can’t believe that my grandma let me watch it either.

  15. speaker7 11/10/2012 at 6:09 am #

    I am impressed by this scienceness of this post. And extremely impressed that you dated a sandwich. Never had that happen. I did ask a guy out once, he said “sure” and I’m currently waiting for this date. It’s been 15 years. I’m hopeful it will take place in 2025.

    • saradraws 11/11/2012 at 3:58 pm #

      Agreed. super sciency.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:01 am #

      Don’t say anything, but a little bird told me it’ll be in 2024 *Crosses fingers*

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Go Team Vagina!! « Stork Hunting - 11/12/2012

    [...] my vagina could talk it would sound like … after reading Jen’s post, I am convinced it would sound like Golden Girls’ [...]

  2. Occupational Hazards « Sips of Jen and Tonic - 11/11/2012

    [...] NaNoWriNO Day 10 [...]

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