NaNoWriNO Day 10
Topic: Which Golden Girls character would I be, and why?
It is no secret that The Golden Girls is one of my favorite shows of all time. Scratch that. It absolutely is my favorite show of all time. I was born only four years prior to its debut; lucky for me, I was born a middle aged woman so I was able to appreciate it at the height of its popularity. If you haven’t seen it, I highly encourage you to stream it somewhere online.
Dorothy Zbornak, played by Bea Arthur, was absolutely my favorite character on the series. She was smart, sarcastic and the most masculine of all the ladies. Men weren’t interested in her, and she always had a faint whisper of facial hair. It was like looking at my future.
When I picked this topic, I immediately concluded that she is who I’d be. Sadly, there’s no fun in a quick decision. My blog post would have looked something like this: “I would be Dorothy because we’re both hot messes. The end.”
I decided I’d write about how unlike the other characters I am, thus proving that she is my television soulmate. As I did this, I began to realize there was a little bit of each of the ladies in me. In these instances, the only solution is to go head to head in a points-based challenge. Well, it’s the only solution if you’re an anal retentive nerd like I am.
Round 1: Blanche Devaraux
Blanche: Sexually promiscuous. Just might be the world’s first cougar.
Me: It’s easier to land a Boeing 747 in a schoolyard than get me into bed.
Blanche: Dirty mouth, even dirtier mind.
Me: You know how cleaning supply companies are always saying they can only get rid of 99.99% of germs? My dirty thoughts are those .01%.
Blanche: Believes she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
Me: I’m surprised when people look at me without throwing up.
Blanche: Classy, and likes the finer things in life.
Me: I once ate a piece of pizza out of the trash.
Total Points: 1
Round 2: Rose Nylund
Rose: Dumb as a box of rocks.
Me: I’ve actually got a pretty high IQ. I know, I almost don’t believe it either.
Me: I’d rather be celibate than walk up to the counter with a pack of Magnums.
Rose: Tells stories with no real beginnings or endings that nobody enjoys hearing.
Rose: Was a grief counselor.
Me: I cause people grief.
Total Points: 2
Round 3: Dorothy Zbornak
Dorothy: A slight mustache throughout most of the seasons
Me: A slight 5 o’clock shadow throughout most of my life
Dorothy: Couldn’t catch a man if it was being thrown at her.
Me: I once threw up while attempting to ask a man out.
Dorothy: Bad dresser. Looks like someone who only has access to curtains and ankle boots.
Me: Bad dresser. I look like someone who only has access to ill-fitting hoodies and Converse.
Dorothy: Lives with her mom
Me: I live with 10 cats and the memories of my youth.
Total Points: 3
Round 4: Sophia Petrillo
Sophia: Is a proud Italian
Me: I’m hairy like an Italian
Sophia: Loves to wear a sassy hat as all old people do.
Me: I love to wear beanies as all people with fiveheads do.
Sophia: Is a mother.
Me: I’d rather pass a kidney stone every day for the rest of my life than have a child.
Sophia: Claims to have had romantic relationships with high profile people.
Me: My only claim to fame is going out with one of those people who dresses up as a sandwich outside of a Subway restaurant
Total Points: 2
Thanks to the following bloggers for suggesting I write about this topic: