NaNoWriNO Day 5
Topic: Dating advice
————————————————————————————————————————————————
Things were a bit heavy yesterday which, as you know, is a departure from the the typical tone of my posts. I appreciated the opportunity to express myself in a different way, but I’m happy to get back to my regularly scheduled programming.
Today I’m supposed to bestow my dating wisdom upon you guys. This should be interesting seeing as how I’m notoriously commitment phobic, and would rather go on a job interview than a date. My relationships have all just sort of happened, and if they hadn’t, I don’t know that I would have ever had one.
Luckily for all of you, I have been reading Cosmopolitan for years. For those not familiar with the publication, it’s basically Time magazine, but for vajazzling and crash dieting. Over time, I’ve collected little pearls of wisdom written by underfed fashion interns, and have come up with a list that is sure to be a recipe for dating success.
Dress to kill, but don’t dress to kill his erection.
Studies show that most women dress for other women as opposed to dressing for themselves, or for men. Our friends may think we look cute in over-the knee boots with a feather skirt and leather vest, but this is not appropriate date attire. There’s a fine line between being sexy, and being Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”. Jen approved date attire: pajama jeans.
I call this look “Big Bird Dominatrix”
Practice safe ex.
I know your ex-boyfriend was a dirtbag who cheated on you with your roommate while you were saving turtles in Australia, but this is not a courtroom, and you are not pleading your case. Talking about past relationships can be tricky because it can quickly go from being informative to being a therapy session. Address the question, but keep it as brief as possible. Jen approved talking points: “We dated, it didn’t work out, I may or may not have tried to run him over with my car. How is the bread?”
God bless 4-wheel drive
A rose by any other name would smell just as badly.
Unless your skin smells like a backed up sewer pipe, there is absolutely no need to douse yourself in perfume. I know you love the top notes of vanilla, baby farts, gasoline and Cinnabon in your signature scent, but he might not. You don’t want your date questioning if he’s having a mini stroke, or just seeing stars because of your aroma. Jen approved scents: boob sweat or beer.
You put the “toilet” in “Eau de toilette”
Checkmate.
I know this is kind of controversial, but I think a woman should offer to pay on the first date. A gentleman won’t allow you to, but it makes him feel like you appreciate the $42 Filet Mignon you stuffed into your talking hole. Jen approved check move: “Let me see the check so I can give you what I owe for my portion. It’s the least I can do considering you won’t be touching me tonight.”
“Call me MC Hammer because you can’t touch this”
Hair affair.
Some of you may have heard about the dating trick that advises not to shave your legs before a date. The logic is that because you have hairy legs, you won’t sleep with a guy on the first date. In a perfect world we would all have iron-clad willpower, and never give in to our impulses. Unfortunately, most of us are the kind of people who last four hours on a diet before giving up and “embracing our curves.” Knowing this, please shave your legs beforehand. Your hormones will take over, you’ll jump into bed with him, and he’ll ask himself if he just spent the better part of the evening seducing Sasquatch. Jen approved shaving method: anything that doesn’t involve dry shaving in his bathroom, causing him to wonder if you’re taking a dump truck in there.
I’m sure there’s some other stuff you could do like being a good listener, or laughing at his jokes, or showing your cleavage. Like I said earlier, I’m not an expert in this stuff. My idea of a good date is eating pizza rolls, and watching National Geographic while draped in a Couples Snuggie.
So please, go forth and conquer the wild world of dating using the guidelines I’ve stated above. I assure you that you’ll be back at his place with your smooth legs and baby fartless skin getting your Bow Chicka Wow Wow on. You can thank me later.
————————————————————————————————————————————————
Thank you to the always lovely Madame Weebles for suggesting this topic.
Those turtles needed to be saved, dammit.
If only they could have returned the favor by saving her from the heartbreak.
Does Bigfoot vajazzle?
Yes. I wrote a post about it, remember?
I remember. It’s why I had to return your birthday present for something different.
I was wondering when someone was going to tackle the issue of Bigfeet (Bigfoots?) who vajazzle. NEEDS MET!
He does. I think it’s called Bijazzling.
Last year I was out looking for a new pair of boots my 6 year old tried to get my to get thigh high boots like that. He kept telling me how cool they were and how I would look pretty in them.
Wow, really? Maybe not all men hate those boots. These younger generations are more adventurous.
Curious, did you ever end up buying them?
No I got some that were only about knee high with a decent heel on them.
Vanessa Hudgens’ stylist needs to be fired.
Someone got paid a lot of money to make her look that badly.
You never know, if you’re lucky he might have a secret Sasquatch fantasy
Which might prove a problem later on . . .
Problem?? But you get to be as hairy as you want! Even AFTER Movember!
I hope he does, and I hope I find him. He’ll love running his fingers through my chest hair.
Boob sweat OR beer? I am loving the idea of a two for one, boob sweat and beer? Mmmm….
He’ll be reminded of those Budweiser commercials where women are pouring beer while prancing around in bikinis. You’ve got a knack for this dating thing, I can tell.
I’m all about leaving something to the imagination. =)
Like why you chose not to wear underwear?
Exactly. But that’s easy to accomplish in my see-through short shorts.
You minx!
Big Bird dominatrix would be a good band name too. What would we do without Cosmo to to tell us how to be women? Also those quizzes have really helped me with dating, which can be complicated when you’re technically married to someone else.
Cosmo quizzes have taught me I may be too shy with men, I may not be assertive enough at work, and I may not be eating enough protein. It’s all very concrete and scientific.
Just like horoscopes! They probably have those too. I haven’t looked at one in too long. My education is suffering!
So, wear a lot of perfume, wear leather vest, talk about my ex a lot, vajazzle, and expect him to pay the bill. Got it. Thanks, Jen, I’ll be married in no time!
I expect to be maid of honor.
Very fun dating advice. I like the checkmate part a lot. I have always found it interesting that as a society that we are conditioned to feel that as women we are not beautiful unless we are nearly hairless. Many other cultures are not afflicted, but hey..Gillette and Schich are getting rich rich rich. LOL
So you’re saying you let your leg hair grow out to insane proportions? Sounds like we have a lot in common.
LOL omg…well I wasn’t exactly going to say that…but since you did..well…yes…I don’t feel that I need to shave my legs and luckily..Noelle could care less. I do shave sometimes but only when I feel like it. I must confess I cannot deal with female pit hair… I know European women grow it long…and that is more a personal preference for me than conditioning, but I just cannot stand the sight of even the stubble. euwww. I think it’s because my skin is so fair and it just looks wrong to me. LOL But leg hair is fine.
Hairy on the bottom, hairless on the top. Got it!
I agree with you on the beer scent. Bacon and whiskey are also acceptable.
Of course! Bacon goes with everything.
Marriage has so many advantages – I can wear sweats, not shave my legs and let him pay the bills. I’m with you on the “eau de wife,” thing though. If I feel like I can’t stand next to myself nobody should have to either.
It’s just awkward when someone thinks you’re Celine Dion or Jennifer Lopez or Heidi Klum, and then realize you’re just an imposter wearing their perfumes.
I’m already married, but just out of curiosity… If my husband dies, and I move to France, do I still have to shave my legs? Because unfortunately it always seems to grow back…
Oh yeah, and if I were a guy (or expected to make the first move), I would have been been single until death. I’m that inept.
I think you can get away with it in France. Maybe Canada. In Oregon people tend to get lenient in the winter when you need that extra layer keeping you warm.
I have mixed sentiments on the check thing. I had friends who would quite literally both pounce on the check the second it came. I was waitressing when they came in for a date once, and I dropped it in the middle of the table and RAN, since I knew they would probably end up fighting over it.
You must have looked like a referee in a hockey game. Drop it, and skate away as fast as you can.
Okaaaaaaay! I’m not sure how to take this – thank goodness I’m married!
I obviously take this very seriously, and know what I’m doing. You should take this as the best dating advice to have ever been written.
Honestly, I think the smell of us humans in our natural state is highly underrated.
Plus, perfume mucks up the pheromone party we could be having!
Ain’t no party like a pheromone party!
“It’s the least I can do considering you won’t be touching me tonight.” – HAHAHA so. true.
I believe in the straight-forward approach.
So damn funny! The perfume thing is the worst. So glad I’m not in that arena…
I love perfume and scented lotions, but even I have a limit. A little goes a long way.
A reason not to slip anything into the girl’s drink on the first date is because she may not have shaved her legs. Got it.
This article is teaching things I didn’t even intend it to.
You’re not only doing a favor to women, but to the skeezy guys who circle them like sharks.
As an intro to my comments, let me remind everyone (over the age of Disney Channel) that Vanessa Hudgens sent Drake Bell those naked cell phone pictures FOR A REASON!!!
The rest of my train (wreck) of thought goes like this.
(1) Always keep your Ex in the rear view mirror… and your car in drive.
(2) As a man with the olfactory acuity of a Superhero, let me say that any scent on a woman (up to AND including boob sweat and beer) that is NOT HER OWN, is trying to hide something. Or as I have been known to chant before a close encounter of the “I’ll have what she’s having” kind…
“See the pheromone, BE THE PHEROMONE!!!”
(3) If I had known the “Checkmate Stratagem” was in play, I would have suggested Filet Mignon over Nachos Bell Grande every time.
(4) My full and manly beard acts as a shield against any and all first date, female razor neglect. I’m willing to admit it… just sayin.
(5) Closing thought on SCENTS. Is it just me, or is “new baby smell” kind of an aphrodisiac?
I hope that, some time in the future, you have the other barrel of this dating shotgun pointed squarely at the other half of the population. Because guys… we have it coming.
(1) An active restraining order prevents me from talking about my ex
(2) Can’t speak for other women, but I use perfume to hide my desperation and loneliness.
(3) A man who springs for the Nachos Bell Grande is a man after my heart
(4) So you’re saying you’re the kind of guy who sleeps with girls on the first date?
(5) I will sniff a stranger’s baby when they aren’t looking just to get that high
I hear wedding bells for all tha single ladies in tha house!
2013 and 2014 are going to be busy years for me. What, with going to all the weddings.
You should go ahead and get ordained; there’s going to be a lot of requests.
“Let me see the check so I can give you what I owe for my portion. It’s the least I can do considering you won’t be touching me tonight.” hehehe priceless Jen.
Who am I kidding? I let them play with my sweater puppies!
I swear we would have the best first date ever. It would be pajama jeans 24/7 and the watching of Lifetime Original Movies while inebriated.
We need to get married. Like…NOW.
” while you were saving turtles in Australia” wait… you should’ve seen what she (more to the point, what I) was getting up to ‘Down Under’
BA DUM BUM!
First I have to say I LOVE this post. Generally I dont read long posts as I get distracted but this one was entertaining and had me hooked the whole way through. Confession time: I have done the no shave before a date thing and it worked! Ms. Insecurity over here has more anxiety than raging hormones so it takes the littlest imperfection to keep my pants on.
I’m glad my wordiness didn’t turn you off. Also, I think you should win an award for that trick actually working for you. You may be the first person EVER.
Jen! thank you – I so needed this and I am printing it and keeping it for future reference. true story…. I find your advice refreshing and funny and honest and more to the point its real – i can say i nave had several of these things or situations happen – the leg shaving one yea if you don;t have impulse control and you haven;t been out in a while – who the hell are they (they being the ones who say don’t shave) think they are kidding besides the guy who hasn’t been out in just as long – he , at that moment will not care and there it is… oh but that might be my age group more where we just don’t really give a crap about anything but getting laid because lets face it – not gettting any younge -r and offering to pay your portion on the first date- if he lets you well it says much about a man,,, this was super. thanks
I don’t know why people are so uptight about sleeping together on the first date. It’s not something I’d feel comfortable doing, but if you do, I say go for it. A guy who really likes you will call you anyway, and if he doesn’t, well, at least you got something out of it.
well as you get older it kinda is a non issue I think really – I mean I am still picky for gosh sakes but I dont date much and the ones I have jumped in bed with on the first date – are the ones who were long term relationships… but yea sometimes you just need a little physical um romp or something… and not shaving legs when you know that is what you need or he is the same way – its just unmeessary torture… I really have no desire to date – the whole getting to know you part that used to be so sweet and butterflies – is ..just sucks… for me – I have that special distinction of already being labeled a effing nutjob – and if I tell them too early – then there is rarely a chance to see if it would work,..and too late – then you never know ..getting attached to someone and them finding out you got a missing marble or two and they don;t want to deal with it…. I don’t blame them I don’t want to either… but only one of us can walk away and the other gets left – so this post was especially funny for me because it kinda took the trying to impress out and I actually want to go on a date lol.. no not so much but I would be laughing thinking about this..
You are really a hilarious woman Jen! Do they really make couple snuggies?! I must have one. I should probably get a boyfriend first though. Unless they make one for me and my cat. That was so sad. I can’t believe I even typed it.
They really DO make couples snuggies. I’d love to date someone who would be willing answer the door while we’re wearing it. Dinner parties, holidays, the UPS guy. Who couldn’t appreciate a greeting like that?
If they make a Owner/Cat snuggie, I promise to buy you one for your birthday.
I’d be down. How sweet of you!
Couple’s snuggies are awesome.
The couple that snuggies together, stays together.
LAWL! (yes, I LOL with an accent, don’t judge me.)
You just go on and LAWL with your drawl.
If I were to get this tattooed somewhere on my body… where might you suggest?
On your shoulder. That way, you could seductively let the snuggie slip off of your shoulder, exposing the tattoo.
Nice…
So I just saw this…
http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/2012/11/06/terrible-youtube-tuesday/
Um… you are welcome.
WHAT THE? Even weirder is that this was made as a video response to Justin Bieber’s “Baby”.
Some gifts just keep on giving.