How-to: Suckage Revisited

3 Nov

NaNoWriNO Day 3

Topic: Why are people so stupid?

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Trying to figure out why people are so stupid is like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I racked my brain, trying to factor in all cultural, gender-specific, socioeconomic and religious reasons as to why people choose to degrade themselves with doltish behavior. After several paragraphs, and shedding a lifetime’s worth of tears on my keyboard, I sounded so bitter and maniacal Ann Coulter would have been proud of me.

A little humor can even help this nightmare be more palatable

I was struggling because not only had I ingested a whole bottle of NyQuil (I was out of vodka) but also because I’m a solutions-oriented person. While I think it’s important to find out why a problem is occurring, it’s ultimately more important to fix it.

I wrote a post last year outlining simple tips on how not to suck as a person. I think this is the perfect opportunity to revisit the list, and make some additions to it. While I can’t figure out what exactly causes these facepalm moments, I can set some guidelines in an effort to reduce their occurrences in the future.

Here are 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing:

  1. Pronouncing words like “Mexico” as “Meh-hee-co” when the closest you’ve come to celebrating Hispanic culture in the last year is eating at Taco Bell.
  2. Checking into your gym on Facebook, and later updating your status to let everyone know how many miles you went on a bicycle going absolutely nowhere.
  3. Using self-checkouts at grocery stores when it’s apparent the scanning and bagging and swiping of the card is too much for you to handle.
  4. Sniffling instead of blowing your nose. All it does is make the rest of us think your head is filled with boogers.
  5. Posting pictures where you’ve obviously done yourself up, and then caption it with, “Ugh, I look like a mess but thought I’d post anyway.” I will respond with, “You’re more of a wreck than the Titanic” every single time.
  6. Pretending that you’ve aged gracefully when your expressionless face and beach ball boobs indicate otherwise.
  7. TyPiNg LiKe YoUr ShIfT kEy HaS a MiNd Of ItS oWn.
  8. Keeping your windshield wipers going double time when it’s barely sprinkling. Not only does it ruin the blades, but the sound they make when they drag across the glass is proof the devil is among us.
  9. Man bashing. If a bunch of men sat around talking about how stupid and lazy women are for kicks, special interest groups would go insane in the membrane. Instead of spending your time joking about the male population’s shortcomings over Cosmopolitans, spend your time pondering why you surround yourself with such crappy dudes.
  10. Giving a handshake with a soft hand, and limp wrist. It’s a polite way of saying, “I’d rather have acid on my face than make contact with you.”
  11. Putting those “daddy bought it but I got it” license plate frames on your cars. Being born to rich parents is not an accomplishment, and your dad being your sugar daddy is actually really creepy.
  12. Fighting with your partner in front of other people. I can appreciate that he no longer compliments you, and that she doesn’t support your dream of being king of fantasy football, but save that for when you get home. If you aren’t mature enough to wait to talk when you’re finally alone, you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship.
  13. Being one of those “cool parents” who let their kids drink or smoke. Even worse, let their child’s boyfriend/girlfriend sleep over at your house. All of these things are a privilege, and are reserved for adults who are self-sufficient enough to do this stuff in the comfort of their own homes.
  14. Letting your dog jump all over other people. Some people (like me) don’t mind, but there are others who don’t like Fido acting as though he just ingested bath salts. This is especially true for people with allergies who will be scratching themselves in very uncomfortable places for days.
  15. Treating your young children like they’re parrots. If I see one more photo of a toddler pretending to drink a beer, or hear parents glorifying how Tiny Tim knows the lyrics to a Lil Wayne song, I’m going to sterilize someone.
  16. Saying that you have to “go number 2″. Not only does this make you seem Amish, but there are so many other creative ways of saying you have to poop: dropping a deuce, taking a dump truck, making room for dessert or releasing the kraken.
  17. Bombarding your friends’ inboxes with “cause” e-mails. I get that you’re passionate about whales who get called fat by dolphins, but not all of us are. Instead of forwarding spam,  go out there and actually do something about it.
  18. Being smug about your useless degree. You may be impressed by your MFA in Up Your Assness from NYU, but the rest of think you’re miserable to be around.
  19. Arguing in comment sections on WordPress, Blogger, Facebook, YouTube or any other place online where you can post your thoughts. Hiding behind your computer screen and flying into an ALL CAPS RAGE doesn’t prove anything except what a buttnut you are.
  20. Being Tom Cruise.

What things would be on your “do not do” list?

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Thanks to Alice from aliceatwonderland for suggesting this topic.

NaNoWriNO Day 2 post

NaNoWriNO Day 4 post

106 Responses to “How-to: Suckage Revisited”

  1. Love and Lunchmeat 11/10/2012 at 9:17 pm #

    #7 is genius, and #10 just drives me crazy. Oddly enough, afterwards I always have that moment where I’m like, “Are women not supposed to know how to shake hands? And then I start worrying that my card is going to be revoked or something…” This leads to much paranoia and angst on my part, and may even result in ALL CAPS RAGE somewhere on Facebook. Well, it might if I ever remembered to actually go on Facebook. My personal Facebook page is mostly just a place where my mom publicly reminds me that I need to post more pictures of her grandchildren, and where I publicly ignore those reminders.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/12/2012 at 1:43 am #

      I always feel like I’m some bone-crushing she-man when I shake other women’s hands. I also feel like my card should be revoked. I’m only shaking your hand from now on.

      By the way, your mom wanted me to remind you that you need more pictures of her grandkids on facebook.

  2. Smaktakula 11/05/2012 at 9:55 pm #

    My God–these are so good, and so, so true.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 12:48 am #

      As bloggers, we need to appreciate all of the suckage. What would we write about if stuff was just…normal?

  3. Lyssapants 11/05/2012 at 2:28 pm #

    #8 is gonna give me nightmares because it’s true.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/06/2012 at 12:41 am #

      Is that not one of the worst sounds in the world? SQQQUUUUEEEEEGGGGGGG

  4. Storkhunter 11/04/2012 at 1:50 pm #

    I’ve already commented but just thought of another one:
    Example conversation: Friend: You know that guy, Jerry from the garage
    Me: No
    Friend: Yes, you know, Jerry, the guy with the hair, Jerry, yes Jerry
    Me: No I don’t know him
    Friend: Yes, Jerry, Jerry, you know Jerry
    I’m just walking away. I don’t know who Jerry is and you repeating his name a gillionty times is not going to make me any wiser. Let it go!

  5. Storkhunter 11/04/2012 at 1:29 pm #

    This list should become law. I hate the “ugh I look a mess people.” What is it , are you that desperate for attention – yeuch! And the “going number 2″ – what are you, 5 years old? And the only thing about those stupid FB statuses is that they’re blog fodder.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 1:35 pm #

      We’ve gotta appreciate that people basically just hand us material

  6. Carolina Courtland 11/04/2012 at 5:55 am #

    Ann Coulter never looked better.

  7. javaj240 11/04/2012 at 5:45 am #

    I so wish I wrote this. It’s awesome!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/04/2012 at 11:07 am #

      I wish you had too because then it would have meant I didn’t stay up writing it until the wee hours of the morning ;)

  8. John the Aussie 11/03/2012 at 9:40 pm #

    I’m stealing your ““You’re more of a wreck than the Titanic””… just so you know…

  9. kelsgonebush 11/03/2012 at 5:01 pm #

    Well said ! Xx Kel

  10. writerwendyreid 11/03/2012 at 5:00 pm #

    Your list is good Jen. Funny (and true) post. :-)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  3. An Excerpt from MrMary’s Definitive Guide To Sleeping well at Night | A Spoonful of Suga - 11/04/2012

    [...] Lovely Ms Jen and Tonic wrote a post that I reblogged today called How-to: Suckage Revisited. In it she enumerates the 20 NEW things everyone needs to stop doing. The list is quite [...]

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