You Are Now At Shopping Altitude

23 Oct

I love traveling. I enjoy seeing landmarks, feasting on local cuisine, and going to historical museums to get my knowledge on. While I appreciate the luxury of travel, I’m not fond of flying. Between the security pat-down, flight delays, and cramped seating arrangements, it’s just not at the top of my list of things in life I fancy.

On my latest trip to Vegas, I was reminded that one of the things I do really like is the literature that comes in the seat pocket in front of you on the airplane. While I like reading the evacuation instructions and airline-specific magazine, the thing I really look forward to is SkyMall Magazine.

While most of the stuff in there is pretty standard fare, there are some tucked away gems which are so bizarre you have to wonder if the altitude is affecting your perception. I took the liberty of flipping through the latest issue, and finding the biggest “WTF?” merchandise SkyMall has to offer.

The Solowheel. For those who have an extra $1800 in the bank, and think walking is too damn difficult. Must be a unicycle enthusiast who loves looking like an asshat. Click on the picture to watch this bad boy in action.

Credit: SkyMall

Large Super Skate Sail. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure this thing is responsible for at least 20% of the divorces in our country. Husband: “Honey, I bought this great thing that allows us to windsurf in the park!” Wife: “I bite my tongue when your mother says I looked good with all this extra weight, and supported you when you wanted to start the brazilian waxing for men mobile spa, but I refuse to look like a beached water sport enthusiast.”

Credit: SkyMall

One Of A Kind Shirt. Armenian nightclub owner. BMW driver. South Beach regular. President of a frat. This is a one of a kind shirt for more than one kind of douchebag.

Credit: SkyMall

UpRight Sleeper. You know what I love about this product? How discreet it is! There are probably people who were beat up for wearing head gear who want to punch anyone who willingly wears this in the groin. I wonder if the inventors have ever heard of this little thing called A FREAKING PILLOW.

Credit: SkyMall

Custom Pet Canvas. This is the kind of thing you put above a house guest’s bed when you hope he/she will never want to return again. Seriously, this is the stuff nightmares are made of.

Credit: SkyMall

iGrow Hair Rejuvenation Laser. The same technology that burnout college kids use to grow pot in dorm rooms is now being used to turn your loved one into a chia pet. Brilliant.

Credit: SkyMall

SkyRest Travel Pillow. I can barely open a newspaper when I’m in an airplane seat, and this is guy is able to whip out a blowup mattress and take a catnap? Yeah, I can see this going over well with the traveler next to you who just lost his half-inch worth of elbow room.

Credit: SkyMall

Cat Toilet Training System. Little known side effect of this product: “I’m almost ready to leave, but I need to wait for Nathaniel Pawthorne to finish reporting for doody so I can grab my overnight case from the bathroom.”

Credit: SkyMall (the cat’s stare courtesy of the seventh circle of hell)

Let the record show that consumerism is alive and well in America.

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221 Responses to “You Are Now At Shopping Altitude”

  1. Edee Lemonier 11/03/2013 at 7:52 am #

    That shirt looks like the “Gordon Gartrelle” Denise made Theo on that one episode of The Cosby Show and yes, I’m obsessed with and can connect pretty much anything back to The Cosby Show.

    Plus also… that pillow thing assumes a) I have enough of a lap for it in the first place and b) the asshat in front of me isn’t leaned so far back I could use his forehead for a tray table.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 9:09 pm #

      YES! That’s the thing about the pillow. If the person in front of you doesn’t stay upright the whole time, you’re just the asshole who brought a gigantic pillow on an airplane.

      • Edee Lemonier 11/03/2013 at 11:23 pm #

        Okay, but I do have to tell you I take my revenge and I’m not ashamed. If I haven’t mentioned it before, I have the world’s teeniest bladder. You know how you can’t stand up straight because A) you’re gonna hit your head (or is that just me because I’m 5’9 1/2″?) and B) there’s not enough room between my seat and the asshole in front of me for my gut. I have to steady myself somehow. Can’t help it if the most convenient method of doing so is by grabbing onto the back of said asshole’s seat and yanking it down like I’m pulling back on the biggest slingshot in existence. Nothing greater than watching the rubberband effect with a confused, pissed off jerk sitting in it. Don’t think for a second I don’t do it on the way back ;-)

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