You Are Now At Shopping Altitude

23 Oct

I love traveling. I enjoy seeing landmarks, feasting on local cuisine, and going to historical museums to get my knowledge on. While I appreciate the luxury of travel, I’m not fond of flying. Between the security pat-down, flight delays, and cramped seating arrangements, it’s just not at the top of my list of things in life I fancy.

On my latest trip to Vegas, I was reminded that one of the things I do really like is the literature that comes in the seat pocket in front of you on the airplane. While I like reading the evacuation instructions and airline-specific magazine, the thing I really look forward to is SkyMall Magazine.

While most of the stuff in there is pretty standard fare, there are some tucked away gems which are so bizarre you have to wonder if the altitude is affecting your perception. I took the liberty of flipping through the latest issue, and finding the biggest “WTF?” merchandise SkyMall has to offer.

The Solowheel. For those who have an extra $1800 in the bank, and think walking is too damn difficult. Must be a unicycle enthusiast who loves looking like an asshat. Click on the picture to watch this bad boy in action.

Credit: SkyMall

Large Super Skate Sail. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure this thing is responsible for at least 20% of the divorces in our country. Husband: “Honey, I bought this great thing that allows us to windsurf in the park!” Wife: “I bite my tongue when your mother says I looked good with all this extra weight, and supported you when you wanted to start the brazilian waxing for men mobile spa, but I refuse to look like a beached water sport enthusiast.”

Credit: SkyMall

One Of A Kind Shirt. Armenian nightclub owner. BMW driver. South Beach regular. President of a frat. This is a one of a kind shirt for more than one kind of douchebag.

Credit: SkyMall

UpRight Sleeper. You know what I love about this product? How discreet it is! There are probably people who were beat up for wearing head gear who want to punch anyone who willingly wears this in the groin. I wonder if the inventors have ever heard of this little thing called A FREAKING PILLOW.

Credit: SkyMall

Custom Pet Canvas. This is the kind of thing you put above a house guest’s bed when you hope he/she will never want to return again. Seriously, this is the stuff nightmares are made of.

Credit: SkyMall

iGrow Hair Rejuvenation Laser. The same technology that burnout college kids use to grow pot in dorm rooms is now being used to turn your loved one into a chia pet. Brilliant.

Credit: SkyMall

SkyRest Travel Pillow. I can barely open a newspaper when I’m in an airplane seat, and this is guy is able to whip out a blowup mattress and take a catnap? Yeah, I can see this going over well with the traveler next to you who just lost his half-inch worth of elbow room.

Credit: SkyMall

Cat Toilet Training System. Little known side effect of this product: “I’m almost ready to leave, but I need to wait for Nathaniel Pawthorne to finish reporting for doody so I can grab my overnight case from the bathroom.”

Credit: SkyMall (the cat’s stare courtesy of the seventh circle of hell)

Let the record show that consumerism is alive and well in America.


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221 Responses to “You Are Now At Shopping Altitude”

  1. aliceatwonderland 10/23/2012 at 6:08 am #

    Those are hilarious. It’s amazing how much crap you never needed before suddenly appears! The solowheel is my favorite. Reminds me of that freaking irritating woman on the Walgreens commercial flying around on her segway bragging about how healthy she is – I want to trip her.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:08 am #

      The thing I don’t understand about the Solowheel is how NORMAL everyone in the commercial seems to think it is. “Hey Bob, I see you traded in your Honda for that unicycle. Good cal!!”

      • aliceatwonderland 10/23/2012 at 9:36 am #

        It’s like the infomercial for that leaf blower thingy that looks like it’s owned by a ghostbuster. Those people were like OMG IT IS A JESUS MACHINE. Let’s use this enormous sucker to blow off a spider web! Sure!

  2. Christopher De Voss 10/23/2012 at 6:09 am #

    I want all of these products! So cool! Ordering douche shirt first!

  3. Dinnerversions 10/23/2012 at 6:18 am #

    Hilar! This is a great post! And so timely….I’m flying to Boston in an hour. 5 whole hours to browse Skymall await me.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:10 am #

      According to the time, you’re now free to move about the cabin…and purchase whatever piece of junk you like.

      • luvthemstillers 10/24/2012 at 9:43 am #

        You need to check out “Crap I found on Skymall” on the show The Giz Wiz on the TWiT network. The hosts Leo Laporte and Dick DeBartolo choose several new items from Skymall each week, then let the viewers vote on theit favorite. The winning item is then purchased and reviewed on an upcoming episode.

        #1387: I Love the Smell of SkyMall in the Morning

  4. John the Aussie 10/23/2012 at 6:20 am #

    Okay all I want it is the skate board sail… but for my kids skooter….

  5. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 10/23/2012 at 6:38 am #

    Shoot – now I have to return all your birthday gifts….I thought you wanted the Upright Sleeper…

    • Dani Heart 10/23/2012 at 8:54 am #


    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:13 am #

      I do…to use during business meetings. I doubt my boss will even notice.

      • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 10/23/2012 at 9:25 am #

        I think if you get a neon green one, and put lots o’sparkles on it, it would be a better than a ‘bedazzle’ –

        I want the solo wheel, because I never want to ever get any exercise on my own two legs. And I want someone to punch me in the back of the head when I pass them by.

        • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:55 am #

          Did you also notice how the guy in the commercial went into work as a man, sat down and became a woman, and then turned back into a man?! The power of the ‘Wheel.

  6. MissFourEyes 10/23/2012 at 6:43 am #

    Bwhahaa! The UpRight Sleeper, love it! I really want to see someone using it!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:14 am #

      This product is being marketed to people who need to take a nap in otherwise inconvenient places. Could you imagine riding the train and seeing someone using this? I mean, COME ON.

  7. Fish Out of Water 10/23/2012 at 7:10 am #

    I want the solo wheel and skateboard sail together. I would take bets on how quickly I would end up in the ER.
    Oh and that “one of a kind shirt” is not so one of a kind around here. I’m still laughing!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:15 am #

      I think you’re on to something. What if these products suck on their own, but then you put them together and the combined force is pure genius?

      • Fish Out of Water 10/24/2012 at 6:52 am #

        Congrats on getting Freshly Pressed!

  8. Brigitte 10/23/2012 at 7:29 am #

    My gawd, Jen this was freakin’ hilarious. Your commentary along with these ridiculous products made me laugh out loud. That solo rider thing — wow, who would do that? And the very attractive sleep sitting up thing, I seriously need one of those. It be great to paint eyes on your eyelids while wearing this as well. Like on a plane, subway or train. Imagine the attention you’d get. Great post and I do love me some Skymiles entertainment — done up right by Jen.

  9. La La 10/23/2012 at 7:38 am #

    May god bless SkyMall, I love what you’ve chosen. Every time I am on a plane I look through and while it all feels like it’s meant to be funny, I’m like “I NEED THAT” for every single product. If I had money I would buy some of them and do silly reviews for the fun of it.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:27 am #

      No joke, I saw a Bigfoot lawn decoration in there and thought, “Man, I really wish I had a backyard.” How bad is it when you want to buy a house just to accommodate this stuff?

      • La La 10/23/2012 at 9:39 am #

        Haha, that’s how SkyMall knows they’ve done well.

  10. writerwendyreid 10/23/2012 at 7:57 am #

    Ok…so most of that stuff really was lame..but the solo wheel? Are you kidding me? I’m going to have to start kissing Santa’s ass to get a gift that good for christmas…. ;-)

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:28 am #

      Sounds like you need to start a kickstarter campaign!

      • writerwendyreid 10/23/2012 at 3:34 pm #

        I must be tired. What the hell is a kickstarter campaign?

  11. Stacie Chadwick 10/23/2012 at 8:05 am #

    OMG that Armenian nightclub owner who drives a rented BMW ALL THE WAY to South Beach because he can’t afford a first class flight? Next door neighbor and President of Douches for Dating Your Underage Daughter. Swear to God.

    Where the hell did Sky Mall get his picture?

    Best post ever Jen…may the FP Gods (but not the one I just swore to, that’d be creepy) rain down on your beautiful head.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:30 am #

      There are actually THREE men who posted in THREE different shirts: I am pretty sure this is rock bottom in a model’s career.

      And thanks, I do like it when powerful people bestow awards on me. Makes me feel like the high class lady we all know I am. *burp*

      • Erin McNaughton 10/23/2012 at 11:54 am #

        Those are so ridiculous and hideous…who the hell thought that–or any of these SkyMall gems–were a good idea. Their sales are going to skyrocket, thanks to you!

        • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 11:57 am #

          Good point! I see a future as the Marketing Director at SkyMall, Inc. in my future!

      • Stacie Chadwick 10/23/2012 at 2:33 pm #


      • Stacie Chadwick 10/23/2012 at 4:29 pm #

        Three douches on one page. Thankfully I checked the link out on my phone rather than my laptop. Tiny douches are much better than life size.

  12. saradraws 10/23/2012 at 8:09 am #

    I really want to get hammered with you on an airplane. Though they might make an emergency landing to kick us off for being SO MUCH MORE FUNNY AND SEXY than everyone else. Something to think about. And womun, I am pleased as spiked punch that you finally got the mixed blessing of FP bestowed upon thee. WordPress has finally recognized your immense talent.

    • Love and Lunchmeat 10/23/2012 at 8:17 am #

      What she said… especially on the alcohol! And congrats!!

      BTW, is there anything better than the douchebag shirt? If only it were that easy to spot douchebags…

      • saradraws 10/23/2012 at 8:44 am #

        it IS like a douchebag warning system. ORANGE-TURQUOISE-STRIPED ALERT

        • Love and Lunchmeat 10/23/2012 at 8:45 am #

          Imagine the time and effort saved if people came with a built in warning system?

          • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:39 am #


            Shirt 1: I’ll cheat on you

            Shirt 2: I cry after sex

            Shirt 3: I have a foot fetish

      • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:40 am #


        What I’m not sure about is WHO designed this shirt and then WHO approved it for the catalog? The even scarier part is thinking that someone will probably see it and think, “Damn, I need that in my life.”

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:33 am #

      One of my secret fantasies is to get on the intercom and just start telling jokes like I’m a comedian who was hired to be the in-flight entertainment. “And that’s when I said, YOU put down YOUR landing gear! Thanks everybody, I’ll be here for another hour. Don’t forget to tip your stewardess.” We could tag team!

      And thanks for your support in my WordPress adventure :)

  13. kayjai 10/23/2012 at 8:14 am #

    This is awesome…

  14. Katy Kern 10/23/2012 at 8:15 am #

    Oh boy! I don’t touch the magazines on airplanes. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! I will ship you some Purell. ;-)

  15. El Guapo 10/23/2012 at 8:23 am #

    I only hope the cartoonist that did BC gets royalties for the solo wheel.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:35 am #

      Maybe HE is the one who designed it. Calling his agent: “Hey Marty, people are losing interest in the caveman bit. We need to think of something to modernize this thing.”

  16. TJLubrano 10/23/2012 at 8:49 am #

    The things people come up with…I’m amazed every single time. I was laughing out loud when I read it and then I saw the pet canvas situation…I was shocked. Really, a bit too disturbing for my taste.

    Weeee!! CONGRATS on being Freshly Pressed (I always have to think of an orange squeezer thingy…)…you and your brilliant writing SO deserve it! Here is to many, many more!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:37 am #

      I think it would be REALLY funny if you tried to do something similar with the pet canvas. Paint animals, but put cupcake faces on them instead. Truly frightening…

      And thanks for your kind words!

      • TJLubrano 10/23/2012 at 2:09 pm #

        You don’t want to see what I see in my mind now….

  17. RFL 10/23/2012 at 8:53 am #

    Congrats on your FP status! I fricking love SkyMall and this post was awesome!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:42 am #

      Thanks, and I’m glad I’m not the only SkyMall addict!

  18. Dani Heart 10/23/2012 at 8:56 am #

    Love this post Jen. I really like the shirt. LOL Your commentary is hysterical. Love it!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:44 am #

      Sounds like someone wants a One of a Kind shirt for a One of a Kind Christmas!! I’ll let Noelle know.

  19. Maylin 10/23/2012 at 9:08 am #

    PRICELESS!!! I love the cat stare lol

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:44 am #

      Seriously, how scary is that cat? If I walked into the bathroom and my cat was dropping a deuce and looking at me like that, I’d be constipated for a week.

  20. The Waiting 10/23/2012 at 9:14 am #

    SkyMall is the only thing that I look forward to when traveling by air. The promise of seeing that weird guy with the pornstache sleeping on his wedge of cheese makes it all worth it.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:47 am #

      When I saw it I looked at the guy next to me, and tried to imagine him bringing that thing out and sleep staring at me for the duration of the flight.

  21. becca3416 10/23/2012 at 9:16 am #

    SkyMall is a trip. I once found a hand written letter in an envelope that said, “Read Me”. It was a two page hand written letter from a woman looking for love. I guess she thought if she left her profile on a plane she would extend her options. I actually contemplated writing her, as the letter was pretty well written and seemed sincere (not in response to dating just to let her know it was still there). Unfortunately she forgot to put a house number with her address (yeah, her address was on there).

    I also used to have a friend who bought one of those cat toilet training things. I think that is taking it a little too far. I don’t want to pee where my cat pees.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:49 am #

      Wow! That lady gets points for being ingenious, but also needs a hug for that level of desperation. I think she watched too many RomComs where the lead meets the love of her life after leaving her luggage on an airplane.

      Did the cat potty training thing actually work?

      • becca3416 10/23/2012 at 9:51 am #

        Yeah, I kind of felt bad for her too.

        I am going to assume no, it didn’t work. Everytime I went over to his house he would instruct me to use the upstairs bathroom. because the cats were still “potty training”. This went on for months. So, no.

        • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:52 am #

          Are you sure when they said they were training Mittens they weren’t talking about Mitt Romney? He seems like someone who has bladder control issues.

          • becca3416 10/23/2012 at 9:53 am #

            Haha! Priceless.

  22. Madame Weebles 10/23/2012 at 9:31 am #

    That one-of-a-kind shirt, and the guy modeling it, automatically put me in a homicidal rage. The douchery is palpable even through the Interweb. But I might consider getting one of those pet canvas paintings just to creep people out.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:50 am #

      Seriously, there are two more shirts with two more dudes in different phases of their douchebag transition:

      Also, remind me to book a room at Motel 6 when I come visit you.

      • Madame Weebles 10/23/2012 at 9:51 am #

        Aww, man, I was going to do up your guest room all nice with cat paintings and everything.

        • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:53 am #

          You: “We call this, cats playing piano.” Me: “I call this, time to find the nearest Holiday Inn.”

          • Madame Weebles 10/23/2012 at 9:54 am #

            Meh. Whatever, dude.

          • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 9:56 am #

            Also, I don’t know that I want to meet your pets in any form. For God’s sakes, the cat in your default picture is aiming an assault rifle.

          • Madame Weebles 10/23/2012 at 9:57 am #

            What’s your point?

          • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 10:04 am #

            Your cat could kick my ass and I’m scurred.

          • Madame Weebles 10/23/2012 at 10:05 am #

            Never. You will always be warmly welcomed Chez Weebles.

          • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 10:09 am #

            Better than being Freshly Pressed. Just sayin.

  23. Miss Snarky Pants 10/23/2012 at 9:37 am #

    And the Pulitzer for Funny Shit goes to Sips of Jen and Tonic for this gem: “One Of A Kind Shirt. Armenian nightclub owner. BMW driver. South Beach regular. President of a frat. This is a one of a kind shirt for more than one kind of douchebag.”

    I so know that guy, but I hate to tell you that isn’t a one-of-a-kind shirt. Unfortunately.

  24. Bill Friday 10/23/2012 at 12:24 pm #

    Several (brilliant) observations…

    The first guy looks like Garth Brooks when Trisha Yearwood made him change diapers in exchange for sex. Also, every one of those shirts looks like an Oregon Ducks custom Nike football jersey, and did you notice there’s a discount when you buy all three?

    Also, “upright sleeper guy” looks like he thought he was going to model the hair rejuvenation laser instead of that prop from the movie Thirteen Ghosts. Plus, now I want the death parachute for my very own, in case all the boats and planes to Catalina Island are all booked.

    And huge congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Does this mean your blog will also stay wrinkle free?

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 2:59 pm #

      Oh man, you’re RIGHT about the Oregon Ducks jersey. Great, two things I hate: the Ducks, and terrible western/disco gear.

      Do they allow death parachutes in RB? I imagine you riding down the boardwalk screaming, “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” Can I hitch a ride sometime?

  25. speaker7 10/23/2012 at 2:56 pm #

    Only $695 for the hair rejuvenator brain cancer cap?!? Consider me sold.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 3:01 pm #

      If I bought one, I’d NEVER be able to keep my eyebrows apart.

      • speaker7 10/24/2012 at 4:50 am #

        Yes!! FP’d on a post that includes the most beautiful one-of-a-kind shirt and a custom pet canvas that makes me want to actually get a pet so I can get one made. Well deserved, sir. Well deserved.

        • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 9:58 am #

          I really think it’s the kind of thing that belongs on a bathroom wall. You can star at it while you take a dumpski, and it’ll be the first thing you see when you get out of the shower. Like the Bates Motel, but without the knife.

          Thanks S7!

  26. playingthecanon 10/23/2012 at 3:29 pm #

    Whenever I’m getting frustrated or bored by the hassle of airports, I just keep in mind how much fun I’m going to have flipping through Skymall’s ridiculous products. Would love to know who actually buy this stuff.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 3:47 pm #

      People with no class or taste: Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich.

  27. runawaytale 10/23/2012 at 3:47 pm #

    Hilarious. Funniest thing I’ve read in ages. I watched the solowheel video and I wonder how many takes they went through before they got one where the rider didn’t wipe out. They are standing on it so awkwardly. I smell a serious backache… maybe the upRight sleeper people make some sort of aparatus to straighten your spine overnight. Thanks for the laughs.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 4:04 pm #

      I also want to know how the audition for the part went! “Number 185, please step right up. I am gonna need you to look business casual while you ride this down the street. Just relax, the camera will love you.”

  28. dorothyadele 10/23/2012 at 3:51 pm #

    Those are great!

  29. Maggie O'C 10/23/2012 at 4:59 pm #

    OUtstanding and congrats on the FP!

  30. Miss Snarky Pants 10/23/2012 at 5:25 pm #

    I just saw that this post was FP’d. Congrats! Totally tits!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/23/2012 at 5:34 pm #

      This blog is colder than a witch’s titty! Wait…

      • Miss Snarky Pants 10/23/2012 at 5:48 pm #

        It’s the altitude.

        But seriously, I LOVE the Skymall catalog and I steal it every time I fly. Okay, I think they actually encourage people to take it, but it makes me feel more daring than my years to say that I “steal” it.

        • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:46 am #

          You steal those things they give away for free! Thug life.

  31. hypeneko 10/23/2012 at 5:43 pm #

    HAHAHAHA, this collection is hilarious

  32. ericajolo 10/23/2012 at 5:47 pm #

    I love how the people in the video make the Solowheel look so convenient and easy to carry around. It looks like it weighs a TON. And no demonstration of what happens when you want to carry a few bags of groceries while on Solowheel?…I have a feeling it wouldn’t work out too well. Nice post!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:48 am #

      SERIOUSLY. The director: “CUT! Look, when you pull that thing up you can’t make it look like it’s not pulling your arm out of the socket. Act natural. Light as a feather. I can’t believe I quit directing ‘America’s Next Top Model’ for this shit.”

  33. Storkhunter 10/23/2012 at 6:25 pm #

    Hilarious post. The solowheel looks like a power saw when it is folded. Half expected it to tear up the road when the guy got onto it again.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:45 am #

      Doesn’t it? You know that’s going to be the second version of this thing. “If you call in the next 30 minutes, we’ll upgrade you to Solowheel Power Tool Edition. It rolls, it saw, it transports, it builds!”

  34. My Camera, My Friend 10/23/2012 at 7:36 pm #

    SkyMall products are so funny. However, I do think one of the felines I live with could be trained to use the toilet. I’m not sure I want another life form in line for that one though.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:42 am #

      I love them dearly, but cats have such bad attitudes. First, you teach them to use the potty. Then they start hogging the counter space. Next thing you know, you’ve got no more hot water because Boots is taking 30 minute showers.

  35. Iam Rising 10/23/2012 at 8:17 pm #

    AWESOME MEMORY! Thank you! I totally forgot about those things, big ear to ear grin on my face just glazing your highlight pics. Yah. Can’t wait til the era of TSA is over and done with and some kind of new jet fuel develops so flight is more fun and affordable again. Great post, much love!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 1:07 am #

      This post could have been an entire SERIES. There were so many strange things in that catalog. I guess they’ve got to cater to anyone’s in-flight whims.

      Thanks for stoppin’ by!

  36. avistyle89 10/23/2012 at 8:45 pm #

    LOL these are amazing! I’ve always thought SkyMall was the weirdest catalogue of all time… But this post says it best!

  37. avistyle89 10/23/2012 at 8:47 pm #

    Reblogged this on The Numbered Life and commented:
    Top 8 Most Bizarre SkyMall Merchandise: American consumerism is alive!

  38. The Bumble Files 10/23/2012 at 8:52 pm #

    So, this is what people do who have all kinds of extra money. Hilarious post! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:37 am #

      Thanks! And yeah, if I had extra money I’d spend it on worthwhile things like a cotton candy machine or a jetpack.

  39. segmation 10/23/2012 at 9:34 pm #

    Looks like to me that SkyRest Travel Pillow person needs 2 seats!

  40. Luks 10/23/2012 at 10:27 pm #

    I love each of description on the “One of a Kind Shirt” it’s so funny and that “Upright Sleeper” is hilarious.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:26 am #

      The only way to get over the trauma of looking directly at that shirt is to make fun of it.

  41. Gayatri Shukla 10/23/2012 at 10:29 pm #

    Hilarious! I have a theory about in-flight magazines. I think their secret purpose is to keep people with a fear of flying from doing something they’d regret instantly – basically by diverting their attention towards doing something they’ll come to regret only later (once they see their credit card bill at the end of the month).
    Thanks for the follow, btw! Looking forward to staying connected. :)

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:25 am #

      That is brilliant, and I think you may be right. It’s also the perfect time, when people are on vacation, to get them to spend money. People forget they have a mortgage, a car, and a college degree to pay off when they’re on holiday. Those bastards are diabolical geniuses!

  42. Lafemmeroar 10/23/2012 at 11:07 pm #

    Bizarre stuff for bizarre peeps … what’s the world coming to? I want that upright sleeper!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:23 am #

      I think the UpRight Sleeper wouldn’t be so bad during turtleneck season, but you can kiss your social life goodbye during the summer!

  43. my words on a string 10/24/2012 at 12:01 am #

    Thank you for this! I am obsessed with Skymall an the ridiculous things in their catalogue! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:22 am #

      I never realized how many people love SkyMall! Maybe this is all part of their marketing genius. They suck us in with the crazy stuff, and then sell us the REAL items in their catalog.

      Thanks on the congrats!

  44. on thehomefrontandbeyond 10/24/2012 at 4:51 am #

    there are just no words………..
    congrats on being FP–but I was already a loyal follower

  45. rockedbypilates 10/24/2012 at 5:06 am #

    Oh man… hilarious. I have to admit though that the blow up pillow would be something i’d probably buy as I just can’t sleep on planes, and i am not sure i’d be concerned i’d look like a complete prat!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 10:00 am #

      PLEASE promise me if you do, and actually use it, you’ll give the world a gift of a picture of that.

  46. 10/24/2012 at 5:09 am #

    …And the name “Sky Mall’ sounds like the place Judy Jetson and her friends go to shop.

  47. Cakes and Shakes... 10/24/2012 at 6:27 am #

    Oh sweet lord. Landfill fodder, all of it – but particularly that patchwork looking shirt, it makes the guy look like an Eastern European pimp…

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 10:02 am #

      Eastern European pimp! Damn! That’s one I missed…you’re so right. I’ll be consulting you on my posts going forward.

  48. jcmgertie 10/24/2012 at 6:45 am #

    Oh brother, this made me laugh out loud! I also love Skymall. It’s a bit like those daytime TV ads…if you buy this, we will throw this in for FREE! Congrats on getting FP

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 10:03 am #

      “For 3 easy payments of $49.95, you can have this shirt made from quilt scraps AND a knife that can cut through your shoe!”


  49. celiacandallergyadventures 10/24/2012 at 7:06 am #

    This is an awesome post! I look through the SkyMall catalog all the time and am amazed at some of the things in there. Is there really a demand for these items?!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 10:05 am #

      There must be for someone to not only invent the product, but get SkyMall to sell it! I can’t wait for the day when I’m walking down the street and I’m passed by someone on a Solowheel.

  50. Simon 10/24/2012 at 7:21 am #

    Congrats on FP Jen! I now ask every flight attendant I meet if they have ever seen one of those inflatable sleeper things in person. Not a single one ever has. Looks so comfy but not near as money as the solo wheel.

  51. stephenfranano 10/24/2012 at 7:27 am #

    Reblogged this on stephenfranano.

  52. sportsandthecross 10/24/2012 at 7:27 am #

    Such odd stuff! Great post, it was very interesting and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  53. Kyra Fillmore 10/24/2012 at 7:30 am #

    I love this. My husband and I always love checking out the skymall. So many useless pieces of junk. But somehow… we always find SOMETHING that says “ah-ha!” to us. Loved reading this.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 10:09 am #

      Always, right? I’m waiting for the day when I see a “beard trimmer for ladies” in there. I’ll be purchasing right then and there.

  54. verastazioncina 10/24/2012 at 7:53 am #

    miaooo! :-)

  55. egoist4ever 10/24/2012 at 8:56 am #

    Love One of a kind shirt, still don’t understand, how come I don’t have one lol

  56. luvthemstillers 10/24/2012 at 9:47 am #

    Reblogged this on Digital Pittsburgh.

  57. Viciously Sweet 10/24/2012 at 10:46 am #

    This is fantastic! Firstly congratulations on being pressed ever so freshly. And secondly, I think I have had plentiful nightmares about that one of a kind shirt (why does it change in price?!?! AHHHH).
    I wouldn’t even wear it if it was the only thing in the closet! I would rather wrap myself in that windsurfing kite, and then proceed to work on my solowheel.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:55 pm #

      Thanks lady! I would love to see YOU come up with a one of a kind shirt. Then you can have the Professional model it in the office.

  58. fireandair 10/24/2012 at 10:50 am #

    Oh god, SkyMall. I page through the Stupid Pet Gadgets section to look at pictures of cats, and then put it back.

  59. Lyssapants 10/24/2012 at 11:23 am #

    Nathaniel Pawthorne?! I just lost my kitty litter.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:54 pm #

      I wish I could say I came up with it, but I heard it years ago on a television show.

      • Lyssapants 10/24/2012 at 1:13 pm #

        It reminded me of the wonderful pet naming talents of The Bloggess.

        • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 1:17 pm #

          I’ll have to check that out because I’m a sucker for that stuff.

  60. kittyjane 10/24/2012 at 11:55 am #

    Seriously hilarious! I love your comments to the completely rediculous items (: Isn’t it insane what people actually buy?!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:56 pm #

      I have to say, I buy a ton of crap at places like Goodwill, and I wonder what someone would say about that. I mean, I have a key holder jar that looks like an acorn.

  61. uniquelysophie 10/24/2012 at 12:05 pm #

    My personal favourite is the cat toilet trainer- it took my dog 2 years to learn to pee outside and even now he still has the odd accident
    For a blog about the entertaining life of a British teenager, go to

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 12:58 pm #

      People who have the spare time to potty train their pets make the rest of us look bad.

  62. Aurora HSP 10/24/2012 at 12:28 pm #

    Congrats, Jen, you rock! Always have, always will. Spoonful of Saga Jen Style, loving it.

  63. Brian Westbye 10/24/2012 at 5:39 pm #

    I KNEW HER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!

    Congrats, darlin’. Very well deserved.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 7:16 pm #

      You totally did. I’m pretty sure you were in my first 10 subscribers EVER.

      Thanks, B.

  64. Cathy Ulrich 10/24/2012 at 7:38 pm #

    I seriously couldn’t stop laughing. And yes, I’ve been meaning to follow your blog for some time – as a fellow “Carnie.” Now’s the time. And congrats on being FP’d. I’ve been having my own fun ride a few hours on the FP bus behind you.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/24/2012 at 8:39 pm #

      You wrote the Ode to the Blogosphere, right? LOVED that! Followed you- we Carnies need to stick together :)

  65. lostnchina 10/24/2012 at 11:27 pm #

    Found you via MrMaryPoppins, and am I glad I did! Hilarious! I, too, love looking at the Skymall crap, but could never have described the items as well as you did. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 8:49 am #

      This post has taught me one thing- people love the hell out of SkyMall. If only we all had limitless budgets, the world would be riding around on a Solowheel…


  66. Carrie Rubin 10/25/2012 at 9:26 am #

    Congrats! I didn’t realize you were FP’d. Well-deserved! This was so funny. I laughed out loud at the “Armenian nightclub owner.” That shirt is butt-ugly. And the Solowheel? Really? Does someone purposely want to look like a dork?

    Great post!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 9:32 am #

      Thanks! It has been a crazy couple of days, but in a good way.

      Seriously, that shirt bothers me, and mostly because they’re overselling it. There is a REASON it’s one of a kind.

  67. calahan 10/25/2012 at 11:22 am #

    The solowheel looks really easy to steal. I’m getting one, just as soon as some moron pays $1800 for one and takes it out for a spin.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 11:59 am #

      Imagining you running down the street with a hot solowheel made me laugh.

      • calahan 10/25/2012 at 12:02 pm #

        Now imagine me adding some wicked flames on the side, maybe some spinners, and pulling up in front of your house. “You wanna go for a ride, doll?” I’m so badass!

        • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 12:03 pm #

          SPINNING RIM. Singular, you only need one.

          • calahan 10/25/2012 at 12:55 pm #

            One for each side.

  68. yasingiraydemir 10/25/2012 at 12:00 pm #

    Reblogged this on yasingiraydemir and commented:
    And a note from experts: You don’t know what do you want until you see it.

  69. yasingiraydemir 10/25/2012 at 12:02 pm #

    I think this assertion on economics truly explains this case: You don’t know what do you want until you see it. For example we don’t know what kind of headphones we want until we see a better headphone than ours.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/25/2012 at 1:58 pm #

      You’re absolutely right. I didn’t know I wanted to look like a South American drug kingpin until I saw that shirt!

  70. Soul Walker 10/25/2012 at 6:56 pm #

    “Hey! I work for Skymall buddy.”

  71. Just Rambling 10/26/2012 at 5:14 am #

    Whoohoo! Yay you Jen! FP!
    Okay, and so I admit… I like SkyMall too. Unfortunately I don’t get to read it that often. I need mo money to fly mo often… So…yeah. ;)

    • Jen and Tonic 10/26/2012 at 8:33 am #

      Thanks!! I fly more for business than for personal reasons so I should thanks my lucky stars I get to have fun looking through SkyMall on someone else’s dime.

  72. rollergiraffe 11/01/2012 at 1:02 pm #

    I fucking heart the skymall so much. From zombie lawn decorations to end table/dog crates, it just has everything my heart desired but didn’t know it wanted. Plus I can ignore that weird sound the plane is making while trying to convince my husband that we would be much more comfortable with those skypillows. No luck so far. Has anyone ever actually purchased something from skymall, or is it just like The Onion?

  73. Angie Z. 11/09/2012 at 9:08 am #

    What a brilliant post! The One of A Kind shirt is mine, all mine. Congrats, Jen, on getting Freshly Pressed!

    • Jen and Tonic 11/09/2012 at 11:32 am #

      The world needs to know how one of a kind you are, and what better way than with that shirt?

      And thanks!

  74. breakfastwithjane 05/09/2013 at 12:21 pm #

    Reblogged this on Breakfast with Jane and commented:
    This is laugh out loud funny stuff! Really enjoyed reading this post!

    • Jen and Tonic 05/09/2013 at 10:36 pm #

      Thank you so much for reblogging! I’m glad you got a kick out of the ridiculous items as much as I did.

  75. philosophermouseofthehedge 05/31/2013 at 6:44 am #

    How I miss browsing Sky Mall! (I think that shirt was discovered in a lost shipment from the 70′s…or time travel is hiding in plane/plain sight
    (came over from Le Clown’s – enjoyed touring your blog)

    • Jen and Tonic 06/04/2013 at 11:17 pm #

      That shirt was discovered in the 70′s…if the 70′s included colorblind pimps.

  76. Edee Lemonier 11/03/2013 at 7:52 am #

    That shirt looks like the “Gordon Gartrelle” Denise made Theo on that one episode of The Cosby Show and yes, I’m obsessed with and can connect pretty much anything back to The Cosby Show.

    Plus also… that pillow thing assumes a) I have enough of a lap for it in the first place and b) the asshat in front of me isn’t leaned so far back I could use his forehead for a tray table.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/03/2013 at 9:09 pm #

      YES! That’s the thing about the pillow. If the person in front of you doesn’t stay upright the whole time, you’re just the asshole who brought a gigantic pillow on an airplane.

      • Edee Lemonier 11/03/2013 at 11:23 pm #

        Okay, but I do have to tell you I take my revenge and I’m not ashamed. If I haven’t mentioned it before, I have the world’s teeniest bladder. You know how you can’t stand up straight because A) you’re gonna hit your head (or is that just me because I’m 5’9 1/2″?) and B) there’s not enough room between my seat and the asshole in front of me for my gut. I have to steady myself somehow. Can’t help it if the most convenient method of doing so is by grabbing onto the back of said asshole’s seat and yanking it down like I’m pulling back on the biggest slingshot in existence. Nothing greater than watching the rubberband effect with a confused, pissed off jerk sitting in it. Don’t think for a second I don’t do it on the way back ;-)


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