Last week I went to Las Vegas on business, and while I love Vegas for what it is, I find that I’m always beyond ready to leave by the end of my trip. Don’t get me wrong, I love the shopping and the shows and the food, but there are some things about the city that wear on me after being exposed to them for more than a couple of days.
Pregnant women in casinos
There are only a couple of things in life that make me want to actually punch someone in the throat. One of them is Americans who use British accents, and the other is pregnant women who treat their unborn children irresponsibly. While casinos have come a long way with their air filtration systems, it does not negate the fact that there are people smoking in them. Watching women gamble for an extended period of time infuriates me because the air she’s breathing becomes the air her baby is breathing. I get that pregnancy puts a major dent in a person’s party lifestyle, but one would think you’d consider that before letting a sperm karate chop its way into your egg.
Writing checks you can’t cash
It’s so easy to spot the person who is gambling their children’s college fund away: sweaty forehead, pacing back and forth, an almost scary sort of nervous energy, and rifling through all of his/her credit cards to see which one isn’t yet maxed out. Even for those who aren’t gambling addicts, the lure of the slot machine is a strong one. You spend most of your time just feeding the machine, and right when you’re about to walk away, you win it all back. There are pawn shops everywhere in Las Vegas, and it’s because people are willing to sell anything on their person just to make a quick buck. While I was at the cashier’s cage breaking a bill, I overheard a woman asking one of the employees if they knew where she could donate plasma for some extra cash.
Daddy’s little girl
Something happens to women when they land in Las Vegas. I don’t know if it’s the water (more about that later) or the air, but they’re dying to do things they wouldn’t do back home in whatever landlocked state they flew in from. They get half naked, drink in excess, and proceed to grind against questionable characters who would normally cause them to reach for pepper spray. Look, I’m all for people having a good time, but I think there’s a line between getting a little crazy, and getting so crazy that you’re wondering if that new rash is chafing, or a souvenir from the person you can’t remember bringing back to your room.
I left my heart in San Francisco, but I left my money at the bars in Vegas
Holy shizballs, I’m not kidding you when I say that drinking is expensive in Sin City. I went down to the bar for a nightcap, and bought a Tom Collins (because everyone knows badasses drink them.) I was floored when the price tag for my drink was $15 especially considering I’ve downed more alcohol when taking a swig of cough medicine. The last time I was there on a vacation my bar tab, for one night of fun, was $185. I’m not joking. While it is true that I have a bionic liver, it’s also true that drinking there is a total rip off.
Don’t swallow the Legionnaire’s Disease
The tap water in Las Vegas tastes like sweaty donkey balls bathed in chlorine. This is a nightmare if you’re there on vacation because it truly is undrinkable. According to recent studies, Las Vegas has the third worst tap water rating in the nation, and someone died after drinking tap water at the Luxor. Bottled water will run you about $5 in most casino gift shops, and you need quite a bit of it considering you spend most of your time indoors in the smoke, or outdoors in the heat. Take it from me, save up and buy the bottled stuff because the water running from your hotel room faucet may actually kill you.
Speaking of being thirsty…
I don’t trust a place which averages 60 days of 100+ degree weather, and 86 days of 90+ degree weather. That’s just…stupid.
You’ll see things you wish you could unsee
Let me take you back to a time when I was naive, and thought Tom Cruise was normal, and people took care of their bodily functions in restrooms. Fast forward a few years, and I witness a man taking a dump in a trash can about 15 feet away from me. This man was not homeless from what I could tell, but he was clearly intoxicated to the point of pulling down his pants in front of a major intersection, and leaving a piece of himself in a garbage can. He did his business, puked on the curb, and then wandered off down the strip at a gingerly place. I still think about that man, and wonder what he’s done with his life since that moment when he (obviously) hit rock bottom.
I know I’m being super harsh on Vegas, and that’s kind of the point, but I promise it’s not all bad. There is top notch eating there. The shows (especially Cirque du Soleil) are more than worth the price of admission. The shopping is fantastic if you’ve got the money for it. The lights are beautiful at night. There are even good deals on places to drink on the cheap. Just promise me that if you ignore all that I’ve said above, and do decide to go, you’ll leave the fetus at home.