Search Engine Awkwardization

4 Oct

A few months ago, Timmer from Second Lunch put up this post discussing how he was getting views from a search term unrelated to anything on his blog. More recently, Le Clown put up a post on his facebook page noting someone’s affinity for sperm and McDonald’s led the searcher to his site. We’re constantly being told, as small blog authors, that we’re buried deeply in the interwebz. If this is true, how is it possible people are accidentally landing on our pages using the strangest of searches?

This got me thinking about my own search terms. If you’ve read even one post from Sips of Jen and Tonic, you’d know this is not exactly the kind of stuff you’d read to your kindergarten class before nap time. Well, unless your teaching certificate is from The David Hasselhoff School of Hamburger Eating. In that case, thanks for giving the children a really eye-opening education.

I know this was you Speaker7

I haven’t paid close attention to the phrases/words used which led people to my blog, but after looking through the entire list tonight, I really should have. It’s obvious my readership is very…diverse. I had no idea I had been writing for what I can only assume are maximum security prisoners looking for light reading material.

I thought it’d be fun if I gave you a peek into the type of stuff rolling across my dashboard. This list is not all-inclusive, but it’ll give you a good idea of what kind of company you’re keeping by being a follower of my blog.

In order of most to least popular:

  • Ducks with afros/Afro llama
  • Penis dress up/penis dressed up as old people
  • Sexy french clown
  • Whore makeup
  • Helicopter penis
  • Woman screwing her dog
  • Colonic irrigation insertion my anus
  • Why don’t girls poop in front of their boyfriends?
  • Pubes
  • Make out with hand
  • Really bad STDs
  • Peeing my pants/How to pee my pants/Audio of girls saying ‘I’m gonna pee my pants’
  • Blowout in my adult diaper
  • Naked sexually charged middle aged women
  • Fidel’s thrilling speech on “the denouncement of imperialism and colonialism”
  • Boobs with writing on them
  • Serial killers notebook
  • “The moment you start treating me respectfully i’ll leave you for a headcase with a sleeve tattoo and trans am”
  • Mushroom tap
  • Jenn is a buttface/My sister is a buttface
  • Running from the long arm of the law
  • Punch you repeatedly
  • How to be a KKK member
  • People that look like Gary Busey
  • I took a picture of poop and sent it to wrong person
  • Excavate poo
  • Rogue farts out boobs

Not only do I feel the honor of being Freshly Pressed is just around the corner, but I’m also betting money I’m the next recipient of a Nobel Prize.

63 Responses to “Search Engine Awkwardization”

  1. Soul Walker 10/16/2012 at 8:27 am #

    I’m pretty sure Fidel is actually on the Nobel nominating committee.

  2. Ashley Austrew 10/09/2012 at 11:29 am #

    “Penis dressed up as old people.” Have to admit, that one was me. Was looking for Halloween costume ideas for my husband’s ding-a-ling. Twig and berries seems overdone.

  3. Janene 10/09/2012 at 10:04 am #

    Ha ha! That kind of sums up your blog. ;) Some of the search terms that come up are pretty crazy, indeed!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/19/2012 at 1:01 am #

      I’m going to stop writing blog bios and just show people these search terms instead.

  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes 10/08/2012 at 3:23 pm #

    V. funny :)
    I can’t say I’ve ever sought a fuzzy butt plug, but I KNOW many people do!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/19/2012 at 1:00 am #

      And by “people” you mean you? ;)

      • WordsFallFromMyEyes 10/19/2012 at 1:51 am #

        Ha ha – perfect said!

  5. El Guapo 10/08/2012 at 1:01 pm #

    It’s not just the…oddness of the search terms. It’s that people took the time to come up with some of those terms.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/19/2012 at 12:59 am #

      That’s just it! People are ACTIVELY searching for these things. I barely have time to shave my legs.

  6. SummerSolsticeGirl 10/08/2012 at 10:34 am #

    WOW… I’m…. speechless

  7. Pigeon Heart 10/08/2012 at 7:17 am #

    Ha! This is great. I’ve had some eyebrow raisers myself. From this point forward I will be compiling. Them. Duh- I can’t believe I let those go! There’s not way to check that in our history, eh?

    • Jen and Tonic 10/19/2012 at 12:55 am #

      There is! Site stats > Search Engine Terms > Summaries > All Time

  8. aliceatwonderland 10/07/2012 at 10:12 pm #

    Oh, man, I should do a list of mine. I’m amazed at what you’ve gotten, and you haven’t even covered 50 Shades! I’ve gotten “butt plugs” and “Ana likes beat cause it makes her wet” – more than once. Either maximum security prisoners or soccer moms, it’s hard to tell. Hilarious post as usual.

  9. Carolina Courtland 10/06/2012 at 11:27 am #

    One of the search terms that lead someone to my blog was “oddity ass.”

    • Jen and Tonic 10/06/2012 at 1:47 pm #

      The real question is, did they find what they were looking for?

      • Carolina Courtland 10/06/2012 at 3:56 pm #

        I hope not.

        • misslisted 10/07/2012 at 11:22 am #

          I’m really thinking about the possibilites of dressing up penises now. Especially dressing them up like old people. This is a great idea. Thanks for sharing!

          • Jen and Tonic 10/07/2012 at 5:23 pm #

            A little cane, some suspenders. Talk about a good time!

  10. Carrie Rubin 10/06/2012 at 10:46 am #

    Wow. You must feel truly honored. ;)

  11. timmer 10/04/2012 at 9:13 pm #

    I really tried to make it through with a a straight face. I absolutely derailed at “Peeing my pants/How to pee my pants/Audio of girls saying ‘I’m gonna pee my pants’”

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 11:00 pm #

      I get people peeing their pants. I don’t quite understand why someone would want to listen to a girl say she’s going to pee her pants. But WHY would someone need to learn how to pee their pants? Drink water and release pelvic muscle. Mystery solved!

  12. Edward Hotspur 10/04/2012 at 7:34 pm #

    On my Blogger Idol Voting page is a Mega List of search terms people have found my blog with. Mostly some variation of ‘hot chicks’ and ‘rainbows’ and ‘unicorns’ and ‘sadness’.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:59 pm #

      Hot chicks and rainbows and unicorns and sadness? Sounds like a FUN saturday night to me.

  13. Madame Weebles 10/04/2012 at 6:45 pm #

    I think my favorite is actually “helicopter penis” even though they’re all keeper. I did a seach term post the other day. It’s amazing how many weird people there are with bizarre thoughts about Weebles.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:58 pm #

      WTF? You’ve been posting?! I saw the one LC reblogged, but not the others. Not in my reader nor by e-mail.

      I’ll update my post to include yours!

  14. speaker7 10/04/2012 at 3:34 pm #

    I would never be into fuzzy butt plugs. I’m more of a spiky gal. I always find your site when I’m looking to excavate poo, which happens quite frequently when I’ve been drunkly eating a hamburger off the floor.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:56 pm #

      I should have figured you as a spike lover. I’m never letting you near my cowboy boots with spurs…

  15. writerwendyreid 10/04/2012 at 3:33 pm #

    Omg….that is so funny! Nobody ever seems to land on my blog by accident. Maybe I’m boring? :-P

    • Jen and Tonic 10/06/2012 at 1:43 pm #

      I think part of why people land on my blog searching for such bizarre things is because my tags are pretty out there. The web crawlers are probably like, “Hmmm this person is demented and we don’t have anywhere to direct them to based on their search. How about Sips of Jen and Tonic?”

      • writerwendyreid 10/06/2012 at 2:11 pm #

        hahaha….maybe.

  16. Lyssapants 10/04/2012 at 3:00 pm #

    I feel so honored to be counted among the perverted lost souls who seem to be searching for meaning and clarity in this mad, mad world.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:54 pm #

      I knew it was you searching for “blowout in my adult diaper”

      • Lyssapants 10/05/2012 at 9:31 am #

        I do have an odd affinity for poop jokes, not gonna lie.

  17. When I Blink 10/04/2012 at 1:25 pm #

    I just laughed mascara down my face. These are hysterical. Have you heard of Search Party? Please oh please submit — some of these would be a perfect fit. Here it is: http://thesearchparty.tumblr.com/

    Enjoyed discovering your blog!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:53 pm #

      Will do! I had no idea a site like this existed. I can’t wait to read what others have submitted.

  18. The Waiting 10/04/2012 at 12:48 pm #

    The one about Gary Busey was all me. Your blog severly disappointed me in my quest for this information.

    • calahan 10/04/2012 at 4:37 pm #

      Ha. Good one. :)

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:52 pm #

      Oh, you’re in luck my friend. I have an idea for a post, and Gary Busey is one of the main stars. You’re welcome.

  19. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher 10/04/2012 at 12:30 pm #

    I wish ‘rogue farts out boobs’ was on the top for some reason.

  20. Dani Heart 10/04/2012 at 9:19 am #

    That was pretty funny, and a little scary. LOL How do I look at that info myself? hmmmm.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:49 pm #

      A little scary? This blog is like the island for misfit toys.

      I don’t know if blogger has that feature. Do you have Google Analytics?

  21. Just Rambling 10/04/2012 at 7:55 am #

    Hehe, I do like most search terms though! But some are really weird. I mean…mc Donald’s and sperm? You have GOT to be kidding me.
    My craziest search term was “I’m in love with my stepdaughter…” And all I could think was, “dude…I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do about that. Go away you creep. Go. Away.”

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:48 pm #

      “dude…I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do about that.” SUCH a Ruthie response! Love it.

  22. workspousestory 10/04/2012 at 7:53 am #

    Ha! This is hilarious. I did a similar post some time ago but they aren’t even half as funny as your search terms ;) Although that KKK bit is disturbing! :P

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:47 pm #

      What’s even scarier about the KKK thing was that it was searched multiple times, and I’m only seeing the people who landed on my blog. Who knows how many wannabe white hoods there are out there.

  23. La La 10/04/2012 at 7:36 am #

    Rogue farts out boobs–well, that explains my participation.

    • Maggie O'C 10/04/2012 at 8:59 am #

      hahaha, I’m with LaLa, that is my favorite one! I love search terms. My fave for my blog is “Fat Sister Farts” I’m still thinking of changing the name of my blog to that.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:45 pm #

      I knew from the moment we met we had a lot in common. I just didn’t think it would be our gassy sweater puppies.

  24. BLACK HAT HACKER 10/04/2012 at 7:25 am #

    Reblogged this on Mega Spot.

  25. Le Clown 10/04/2012 at 6:09 am #

    Jen,
    How to be a KKK member. I can just imagine their face of disappointment when they landed on your site… As for my “Cum on my McMuffin”… I did post once about semen, and had a photo blog about how McDonald will kill you, and all poor animals if they inadvertently eat any of their shit. I am guessing that web crawlers had a filed trip with these…
    Le Clown

    • Le Clown 10/04/2012 at 10:01 am #

      *field

    • Jen and Tonic 10/04/2012 at 10:44 pm #

      I remember that post! It was related to the post you did for Sweet Mother’s poo challenge, no? I did post about the KKK come to think about it. It was in my piece about the Facebook dating application…I think. Way to be familiar with my own work!

      I can’t imagine the kind of hits I’ll get after today.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Search Engine Awkwardization | Webs Poker - 10/04/2012

    [...] Reblogged from Sips of Jen and Tonic: A few months ago, Timmer from Second Lunch put up this post discussing how he was getting views from a search term unrelated to anything on his blog. More recently, Le Clown put up a post on his facebook page noting someone’s affinity for sperm and McDonald’s led the searcher to his site. We’re constantly being told, as small blog authors, that we’re buried deeply in the interwebz. [...]

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