I was at the grocery store the other day when I watched a ’97 Camero with tinted windows hastily pull into a handicapped parking space. As I waited for the driver to get out, I immediately formed an image of what I thought he or she might look like. I came up with: male, 25-35, bad fake tan, a sweatband on his forearm, aviator sunglasses, and a spandex Under Armour shirt which prominently displayed his nipples. I got 5 out of the 6 right; I should have known people wouldn’t be wearing sunglasses this time of year. Rookie mistake!
This got me thinking as to whether or not you can accurately predict a man’s characteristics and/or lifestyle based solely on his car. Sure, there are vehicles which are obvious predictors of things such as wealth or the need for speed, but can you tell more about someone from his ride than just how much money he’s got in the bank? I called my high-ranking friends at the CDC, FBI, CIA, TSA and NKOTB to see if they would assist in gathering data, but I got a lot of dial tones. On the upside, I’m pretty sure I’m on some “Watch Lists” now!
Not one to be deterred, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I gathered my materials and performed highly scientific research in one of the most prestigious labs in the world: a Safeway parking lot. My findings (after 30 minutes and a bag of beef jerky) are as follows:
Mercedes Convertible: Racks up divorces, has a young Asian girlfriend, owns penny loafers
Volvo Wagon: Wears tighty whities, most likely works in finance, exudes less sexual energy than a used Brillo Pad
Prius: Owns multiple pairs of cargo shorts/pants, has signed over 150 petitions in his lifetime, loves to drive at least 10 miles under the speed limit
BMW M Class: Sports a tan George Hamilton would be jealous of, has impossibly white teeth, thinks Ed Hardy is a fashion genius
Hummer: Watches too much UFC, has a tribal tattoo on his bicep, acts as Lord of the Douchebag Kingdom
Lincoln Town Car: Senior citizen OR ruthless mobster (a roomy trunk is important to both groups)
Subaru Outback: Hails from the Pacific Northwest, owns a kayak, listens to bands like Mumford & Sons and Fleet Foxes
Lowered Honda Civic: Spiky hair, wears oversized Fubu jeans, uses words like “yo” and “shawty” without being ironic
The new Volkswagen Beetle, PT Cruiser or a Mini Cooper: Is a fellow who likes fellows
Kia Soul: A hamster
Cadillac Escalade: wears flashy gold jewelry, dabbles in street pharmacology, listens to music at extremely high volumes
Minivan: A dad, has a cell phone belt clip, thinks fanny packs are “really functional belts”
Pickup truck: Drinks Bud Light, card-carrying member of the NRA, always makes sure to have a tool set on hand in case of a siding/window/electrical/flooring/plumbing emergency
A windowless van: Most definitely a predator
Volkswagen (Type 2) Bus: Grateful Dead fan, looks like Tommy Chong, lives down by a river
Porsche Boxter: Spends more money than he makes, has a serious fear of aging, his house is decorated in 80′s art deco
Audi A6: Has watched one too many Jason Statham movies, wears turtleneck sweaters, drives like he’s a stunt double from “The Fast and the Furious”
’67 Mustang: A TOTAL BADASS
I’m sure there are men out there thinking, “Hey, I drive a Mini Cooper and I’m SUPER DUPER heterosexual!” Uh-huh. Women are proclaiming, “My husband drives a Volvo and he’s a sex machine.” Right. Look, don’t get your knickers in a twist. This was a research study conducted in a parking lot while I chomped on dried beef. Take from that what you will.
Not everyone fits their “car mold” perfectly, but I do believe cars can attract a certain type of personality. I give you Exhibit A: I once saw a 1970 AMC Gremlin on the road and thought it looked like a really cool car. I think that pretty much tells someone everything they’d need to know about me.
I’m not advocating that we all jump to conclusions about people we haven’t had the opportunity to get to know. Just as someone who drives a “jerk car” can be the nicest guy you’ll ever meet, a guy who drives a less than impressive ride can be the biggest asshat you’ll ever meet. It’s good to have some fun with the theories I’ve stated above, but it’s best not to judge someone based on their car alone. Well, unless he’s driving a Hummer. In that case, he is most definitely the Lord of the Douchebag Kingdom.
This piece originally published on Expats Post