Facebook Fouls

6 Jun

My post-dump sexiness

Nobody tell my boyfriend, but I’m in love with another. It makes me laugh with its witty memes. It keeps me updated on current events by directing me to news stories. It reminds me of birthdays and upcoming events. It doesn’t mind that I semi-stalk friends of friends. This lover has a name– Facebook.

But as much as I love Facebook, there are obvious drawbacks to the site: it’s a huge time waster, the new layout is mediocre at best, and perhaps the worst of all, some of your friends will really begin to annoy the crap out of you. Maybe you didn’t realize how much your friend from college griped about her children, or that your father-in-law should be an honorary member of the Klu Klux Klan. Thanks to Facebook, now you do.

Some Facebook offenses are definitely worse than others. I know someone who told his wife he was divorcing her by posting it to her wall. Another person e-mailed all of her ex-boyfriend’s contacts (myself included) to tell us how he sucked his thumb after sex. These are egregious and rare occurrences on Facebook; most of the offenses are far more subtle.

Man (or woman) in the mirror.

I can’t think of a place I’d want to take a picture less than in my bathroom. This is where you abandon what you ate for lunch, and somehow it is inspiring many of you to perform photo shoots starring you and a Smartphone. You brush your teeth in the bathroom. You take a shower in the bathroom. Some of you even groom your pubes in there. You don’t snap sexy pictures in the middle of a room which has particles of urine and dead skin cells floating around in it. Do what normal people do and learn how to use the self-timer feature so you can take a picture in front of a tree or a Burger King or anywhere else the world doesn’t equate with bowel movements. With so many of you wearing swimsuits in your photos I would have expected to see more poolside shots.

Dumblebrag.

Some of you may not be familiar with the term “humblebrag” but I guarantee you all know at least one person who does this on Facebook. It’s when people try to avoid looking boastful by feigning humility over an accomplishment or event. “The diamond bracelet my husband bought me is just too heavy for my wrist.” “I wish I knew how to do my own makeup. I’ve just never needed it.” “I’d like to be able to wear this suit without people constantly asking me if it’s an Armani.” I’m going to go on a Kanye West all caps rage right now: JUST SAY YOUR LIFE IS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE’S ALREADY. There’s only one thing douchier than bragging, and that’s humblebragging.

Shut the front door….to your barn.

It is my firm belief that Zynga, the creators of annoying games such as FarmVille and Mafia Wars, wanted to figure out a way to easily destroy Facebook friendships.  Never (until these games came along) had I been asked to help a friend tend a virtual crop so they could put virtual food on a virtual table for their virtual family. I also never had the pleasure of being invited to grab a cartoon baseball bat so I could help someone beat down a fictional Mafia boss. Look, if you want to spend all of your time becoming a rockstar in a world which doesn’t exist, I honestly couldn’t care less. I just don’t want you to assume that I’d like to throw my energy into that abyss with you. No more requests to join your ranch, or filling my newsfeed with your pseudo-accomplishments. K? Thx.

Show me the hunnie.

After years of visiting bars, scouring Craigslist, and handing over your fee for an eHarmony membership, I understand why some of you are so excited when you’re finally in a relationship. It warms my heart when you post pictures of your first Christmas together, or the tropical vacation you both recently took. However, some of you cross over from doting partner to downright semi-obsessed creepster who can’t help but post about their significant other every 15 minutes. Guess what? You’re the only one who thinks your boyfriend is cute when he sleeps. You’re the only one who thinks your wife gives the best nose kisses. You’re the only one who thinks your mate cooks the greatest DiGiorno pizza of all time. The rest of us are simply placing bets on how soon it’ll be before the flame burns out.

Riding the Drama Llama around town.

I’m going to put this as bluntly as possible: nobody gives a crap about every single wrong committed against you. When you incessantly post about how much your coworkers suck, or every painstaking detail of a tempestuous breakup, the rest of us aren’t feeling sorry for you, we’re cringing for you.  Is it really possible that you, a perfect angel, just keep running into these soap opera-like situations? As someone who has rightly kicked the habit of chronic complaining, I assure you that you’re only convincing us that you’re the problem.

The danger with Facebook is that it is a microcosm of our real personalities. Sometimes we put out the best parts of ourselves, and other times we put out the worst. I’ve thought a lot about what people would think if they based their judgment of me solely on my posts. I’ve determined I come across as the type of person who would make out with her own hand while crying and listening to Spandau Ballet.

We need to consider the person we’re portraying to the world every time we update our status, or add a picture to our photo album. We need to balance out every negative thing we say about our lives with something equally positive. We need keep as many things to ourselves as we are willing to share.  The only thing you need not do, under any circumstance, is ask me to help you tend your virtual crop.

This piece originally published on Expats Post

55 Responses to “Facebook Fouls”

  1. Christine 06/06/2012 at 8:36 am #

    Farm/Mafia/Everything ville. Grrrrrrrrr.

    • Jen and Tonic 06/06/2012 at 9:42 am #

      It seems like everyone is so annoyed with them, and yet, Zynga is a BILLION DOLLAR business.

      • Christine 06/06/2012 at 11:50 am #

        Within your group of “Friends” (note that I said “Friends” rather than simply friends) do the game users fit a type? If asked who from your Friends list used FB games, would you know with 90 percent accuracy? My guess is yes. And those SOBs make FB life a pain in the @$$.

  2. calahan 06/06/2012 at 8:42 am #

    My Grandma and I: the only two people left in the world not on Facebook

    • Jen and Tonic 06/06/2012 at 8:57 am #

      My boyfriend as well. You guys need to start a support group. I’m sure you guys will meet *gasp* face to face.

      • El Guapo 06/06/2012 at 9:03 am #

        I think us non facebookers should start a support group for you users.
        After this rant, sounds like you might (maybe just a teeny bit) need it!

        • Jen and Tonic 06/06/2012 at 9:19 am #

          You don’t use Facebook either?! Pioneer life is hard from what I’ve heard.

          • El Guapo 06/06/2012 at 9:25 am #

            I figure since they have so little regard for my privacy, why bother.
            Plus I really don’t need to know what everyone had for breakfast.

            Bad enough blogging and tweeting at work. Can’t imagine how little I’d get done if I FB’d too…

          • Jen and Tonic 06/06/2012 at 9:43 am #

            Your life goes away. I’m proof positive.

  3. The Waiting 06/06/2012 at 9:38 am #

    THANK YOU! So agree with every one of these. I personally can’t stand the people who are constantly describing the amazing meals they’re making. Taking and posting pics of food is one thing, but when all they do is talk about how they’re about to sit down to an orgasm-worthy arugula salad with fillet mignon flecks and marshmallows and lollipops, I want to stab myself. Get a room with your damn salad and leave us with our Hot Pockets alone.

    • Jen and Tonic 06/06/2012 at 9:48 am #

      YES! I used to think I was a good cook because my fingers would gracefully glide across the microwave, but now I’ve gotten a complex about it. I think I’m going to start taking artsy photos of my pizza slices and post them with the caption, “I slaved over a hot credit card to make this happen.””

  4. lauriejlong 06/06/2012 at 10:15 am #

    Too bad there isn’t a trash can or box of tampons in the Bathroom Vixen photo.

    • Jen and Tonic 06/06/2012 at 10:34 am #

      DAMN. Next time I take a picture for a post I’m consulting you first.

      • lauriejlong 06/06/2012 at 12:17 pm #

        I am no consultant on photos… just a consultant in humiliation. I love your blog. It was hilarious!

  5. Sword-chinned bitch 06/06/2012 at 11:29 am #

    Funny and oh so true. I only got on it for my book three months ago. I resisted and resisted for so long. I felt really stressed about going on it but my sister says it’s a necessary evil for self-marketing/promotion whatever… I find now that it is the worst distraction when I need one. When I need to proscrastinate, I go on there — “semi-stalking” — hahahaha!

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:18 pm #

      You’re right in that it absolutely IS a necessary evil for promotion. And if you think FB is addicting you should NEVER join Pinterest.

  6. SummerSolsticeGirl 06/06/2012 at 11:33 am #

    HAHAHAHAHA

    Absolutely! Hate every single one of them.

    Nothing wrong with venting every now and then or being proud every now and then etc, etc but like you said… yeah

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:19 pm #

      I agree– everything is good in moderation. It’s okay to say, “Hey, today really sucks” every once in awhile, but it shouldn’t be the ONLY thing you post.

  7. Fish Out of Water 06/06/2012 at 11:43 am #

    Cringing! Yes! I cringe a lot when I read what people write on there. Why do they have to share so much?

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:20 pm #

      I don’t know! I have a theory that some people just don’t have boundaries. They don’t see that it could be considered offensive or a major “downer”…we all need help from time to time, but when someone posts the same story over and over again, it makes me think THEY are the problem.

  8. paralaxvu 06/06/2012 at 1:07 pm #

    This is one (or many!) of the reasons I don’t post on Facebook. But something keeps going ’round in my brain…I see the same kind of stuff on blogs and have unliked or not liked many posts and/or blogs because of it. The good thing about blogs (well, at least those on WordPress) is that a blogger can choose to not have likes or comments posted for his/her writings yet not remain so private no one ever learns about you/ok,me;-)

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:22 pm #

      Yeah, I agree. I don’t mind recycled ideas (we all get inspired by others at times) but you have to put your own fresh spin on it. And yeah, the ability to turn off those functions are good for some people who are concerned about it.

  9. speaker7 06/06/2012 at 2:00 pm #

    Favorite tag: It was hard. It was a Sophie’s Choice between “I maKe out with my hand” and “Took a poop then took a picture”

    I’m all about the drama in my status updates. I like to post things like “My dog died” and when people post back “Oh my god sooo sorry about your dog” I then write “Wtf? I don’t have a dog.”

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:23 pm #

      You never said which tag you’d choose. You strike me as a “took a poop then took a picture” kind of girl.

      If you want to take your dramatic flair up a notch, post “My dog died” and then when people ask you about it in the comment section, you should generate a new wall post which says, “I hate it when everyone gets in my business.”

  10. Simon 06/06/2012 at 2:14 pm #

    You just had a genius idea for a new blog. A food blog full of instagram shots of hot pockets inside the microwave and close ups of the lean cuisine film being pulled away. Then you can write out the recipes / how many times you have to push the popcorn button to cook it. Then you can create a facebook page for it and we can all go like it. As long as you dedicate at least 50% of your posts to begging people to like it. Speaking of begging, can we stop the panhandling on facebook already? No one has a lightly used ipod that they just want to give you. Ok, finished.

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:25 pm #

      Simon, that food blog idea is ingenious! I may have to do a post or two like that. That is, unless you want to take the idea and run with it. I smell a collaboration cookbook in the future!!

      I had a friend on Facebook (he has since deleted his account) who used to ask for dates ALL THE TIME. And you know me, I’d bust his balls every single time.

  11. Jen 06/06/2012 at 2:37 pm #

    I may or may not have been guilty of all or some of the above at one time or another. But humans are nothing if not adaptable. So I like to think of FB as a educational tool. Its like a big, fat cyber mirror…showing us douches for who we really are.

    Speaking of mirrors…I have at least never done the selfie in the bathroom mirror. Oh wait, yeah I did. Its was me fitting into my buoyancy wetsuit. I was oh so glamourous in neck to knee rubber with inbuilt floatation device. I’m pretty sure I realised the errors of my ways BEFORE posting it to FB. Or did I?

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:32 pm #

      Oh, I think we ALL have been douchey on Facebook at one point or another. I think it’s about the overall impression you give off. There are some people that if I only knew through Facebook I would hate. I think to myself, “THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE IN REAL LIFE!!!!”

      Some selfies are okay– that would be one of them. It’s when people are standing there in a full face of makeup and a Victoria’s Secret teddy and sunglasses that confuses me.

  12. Viciously Sweet 06/06/2012 at 4:21 pm #

    My friends sometimes leave really intimate notes about their significant others. I choose not to inquire where they have the cutest mole… but for some reason I still know.

    And I think I’m going to make a bathroom photoshoot, it’s so posh up in my potty!

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:35 pm #

      YES! What is that?! When my friend’s husband got a vasectomy, she posted, “He got clipped, but he’s still long and strong!” Knowing how quiet and reserved he is, I cringed for him.

  13. timmer 06/06/2012 at 6:26 pm #

    I just hit the Like button as hard as I could hoping that it would turn into a Love button. My computer and wordpress software weren’t able to translate it. But just know I loved it!

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:36 pm #

      TIMMER! You hit the like button so hard that my blog blew up, and now I have a six figure book deal.

  14. writerwendyreid 06/06/2012 at 6:42 pm #

    I love facebook (a little too much at times) and agree with your points on annoying things that people do. I don’t share everything on fb, but I am honest with what I write and although I am serious or angry at times, most of my posts are light and funny. I may swear a little to much, but then again, the real Wendy does as well. :-)

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:37 pm #

      I think you’ve got it right– fun stuff, serious stuff, and a little bit of cussing ;)

      • writerwendyreid 06/17/2012 at 6:00 pm #

        What would the world be like if there were no cussing? Not a place I’d like to live in, I assure you. ;-)

  15. bpshielsy 06/06/2012 at 11:33 pm #

    I can never get those who post every item of their lives on Facebook. Surely they’d have worked out by now they will get much more done without doing it.

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:38 pm #

      You’re so right! If they stopped posting about it and actually did something, their lives would be fixed already.

  16. Just Rambling 06/07/2012 at 12:34 am #

    Definitely made me laugh. Even though I’m not on FB anymore I can totally remember how things were. Especially the crops thing. Ridiculous!

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:38 pm #

      I need you on Facebook to balance out the insanity!!!!!!

  17. kelsgonebush 06/07/2012 at 4:17 am #

    Agreed .. with everything….. this is spooky , you just read my mind !!!! Nothin more to say then Amen sister !!! Love your work ! Xx Kel

  18. Stacie Chadwick 06/07/2012 at 3:08 pm #

    One of my favs that you’ve written so far. I’m a huge fan of the parent who incessantly brags about his son’s prowess on the baseball field but fails to disclose he’s playing in the D league. We’re FB friends, and I promise you’ll never see posts about my daughter’s success at dance camp. Cross my heart.

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:44 pm #

      I actually wouldn’t mind hearing about your daughter’s success at band camp…as long as you still talk about drinking Maker’s and ginger ale when they’re going hormonal pre-teen girls on you.

      • Stacie Chadwick 06/17/2012 at 9:37 pm #

        Totally. Self medication is the best cure for three females under one roof on the rag at the same time.

  19. Fred 06/08/2012 at 6:42 am #

    LOOOOOOOOL

    I only recently started using Facebook but I don’t have my profile public so I can keep from as little FB-drama as possible.

  20. clownonfire 06/09/2012 at 3:06 pm #

    Jen,
    This is a solid piece. With all its drawbacks, if it wasn’t for Facebook, where would The Whispering Petunia share his love with you? Right? Right.
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:45 pm #

      I would never spit in the face of Facebook simply because it allows me and TWP to continue our e-relationship.

  21. Rob Rubin 06/10/2012 at 5:52 pm #

    Facebook to me is like an old stack of Playboys. It was exciting at first, but you can stare at the same set of breasts, I mean status updates for so long before you need to move on to something else.

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:45 pm #

      (Note to self) Don’t share pictures of my same old boobs with Rob.

  22. sweatlikemambo 06/11/2012 at 6:05 pm #

    Humblebrag!!!!! Hahahahaha, LOVE IT, you speak nothing but the truth!

  23. Janene 06/12/2012 at 9:26 am #

    Ha ha! You’re right on every point. Some folks are just so annoying! Thank god there are people like you, with your funny pics and anecdotes. It helps make FB palatable.

    • Jen and Tonic 06/17/2012 at 12:46 pm #

      I’ve also been much better about posting pictures of my food on FB ;)

  24. anxietyandbiscuits 06/18/2012 at 1:48 pm #

    This is hilarious. Whenever I succumb to Facebookery, I get a horrible internal monologue of ‘Is this OK? This isn’t OK.’

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