Le Tonic on Fire

25 Apr

As many of you may have noticed, I am really awesome. I’m talking the kind of awesome that makes people want to print out my picture and put it in their wallets. This means others are constantly asking me for my autograph, naming their firstborn after me, and giving me blog awards.

Le Clown, a fellow WordPresser and all around sexy beast, recently gave me an award because I left a very dignified comment about farts on his blog. I got a cool Clown on Fire badge (which you can find under “Tonic’s Haunts” on the right side of my homepage) which I was to distribute around the internet at leisure.

Unfortunately, WordPress was being a major player hater, and wouldn’t let me sprinkle clown dust everywhere. Le Clown, not one to let a little thing like HTML blockage stop him, came up with a new plan. I was to act as his personal blog assistant as well as write a blog post about him. How convenient that this all worked out in his favor.

I must admit, being his right-hand (wo)man was actually really fun!

We answered a few e-mails together:

He sat in the big boss chair and dictated his next blog post:

We emotionally bonded:

I guarded the bathroom stall while he dropped a deuce:

I let him drive my car:

I helped him put on his clown makeup:

We went rock climbing:

I baked him cookies:

I put him down for a nap:

I’d highly recommend trying out for this prestigious award. Le Clown is one of the nicest people I’ve met in the blogsophere, and he knows how to have a good time.

Thanks for the memories! On to your next minion…

102 Responses to “Le Tonic on Fire”

  1. Christine 04/25/2012 at 6:24 am #

    Now that is commitment to funny, Jen. Seriously.

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 6:24 am #

      Right?
      Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:53 am #

      The funniest part of the whole thing was a lady walking in on me taking a picture…of a picture in a picture frame…on a toilet.

  2. clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 6:24 am #

    Jen,
    You’ve set the bar so high, I do not know how any other personal assistant will be able to measure up to your magnificence. I will reblog this one this afternoon, and will give you an eternal place on Le Clown’s blog. Le Clown laughed so much, he had tears. You are the best.
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:56 am #

      AH! I’m so happy this pleased you, Le Clown. There were so many people on your post saying they couldn’t commit to the responsibility of being your assistant, but I wanted to prove it’s worth the work!!

      After getting pummeled by your lady in the Sweet Mother challenge, I needed to prove myself with this one.

      Also, you’re a terrible driver.

  3. Brian Westbye 04/25/2012 at 6:27 am #

    You magnificent cross-breeding bastards, you.

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 6:30 am #

      Brian,
      Such crude language. But when it comes from you, it becomes so eloquent.
      Le Clown

      • Brian Westbye 04/25/2012 at 7:25 am #

        Westbye: eloquent as shit.

        • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 7:34 am #

          Brian,
          My point exactly: A The Pulitzer Prize contender just here.
          Le Clown

        • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:56 am #

          Sounds like you’ve got a new tagline for your blog!

          • Christine 04/25/2012 at 11:52 am #

            Brilliant, Jen! Can you come up with one for my blog as effortlessly?

          • Brian Westbye 04/25/2012 at 4:11 pm #

            Self! Take a note!

          • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:17 pm #

            Christine, I can’t take credit for that one since Brian came up with it on his own. For your blog I’d say…

            “The Book of Alice: Shiz just got real”

            I’ll let Brian throw his hat in the ring.

  4. TJLubrano 04/25/2012 at 6:44 am #

    Haha! This is SO awesome :) Love Le Clown’s picture too. I wiped away a tear when I saw you baked him cookies. Lovely, so lovely.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:58 am #

      I had to get the baked goods in there! Sadly, I didn’t have any cupcakes on hand, but cookies are always a nice second choice ;)

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 11:02 am #

      TJLubrano,
      Best. Cookies. Ever. And best week of my life. It bumped the birth of my kids as most fun I’ve ever had…
      Le Clown

  5. saradraws 04/25/2012 at 7:17 am #

    GAWDDAMMIT! Now he’s going to expect this shit from me…
    J&T, you made me grunt mirthfully, and for that, I am grateful. You are the funny star in my emotional milky way. What does that mean? I don’t know…

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:59 am #

      I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I didn’t actually bake those cookies. I bought them from the store, and then heated them up in the microwave. Clown couldn’t tell the difference.

      • saradraws 04/28/2012 at 8:05 am #

        He likes microwaved non-foods. It kind of a hobby for him.

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 10:59 am #

      Sara,
      I’ve read somewhere that Jen put a bow on her vagina for her boyfriend. Crazy, right? And inspirational…
      Le Clown

    • Jennifer Worrell 04/25/2012 at 7:48 pm #

      Sorry to interrupt, here, but I’m so stealing that funny star shit–that’s a classic line that I intend to tell all my co-workers tomorrow…cause I love them…and I love y’all too…

      • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:09 pm #

        “Yo, Clown. I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Sara had one of the best comments of all time. One of the BEST COMMENTS of all time!”

        • saradraws 04/28/2012 at 8:09 am #

          Does this mean I get to be a J&T personal assistant for a week?

          • Jen and Tonic 04/28/2012 at 6:49 pm #

            YES PLEASE

          • saradraws 04/29/2012 at 7:55 am #

            what kind of assistery do you need? I don’t do clogged drains or intimate waxing, but most other things are a go.

          • Jen and Tonic 04/29/2012 at 10:00 am #

            I need someone who can control this unruly mustache of mine. Oh, and my sideburns. Oh, and my chin hairs. Oh, and my nose hair #WolverineStatus

      • saradraws 04/28/2012 at 8:08 am #

        Make it yours and spread the weird love.

  6. Garry Crystal 04/25/2012 at 8:02 am #

    I must admit I do have a Tonic mask I occasionally wear and speak to in the mirror, had some great coversations, ah the memories, good times.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 9:27 am #

      What a coincidence! I have a Garry mask I put on…

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 11:04 am #

      Garry,
      I’m just leaving a comment as I think you have one rad name. “Garry” is fantastic indeed.
      Le Clown

  7. Cher Duncombe 04/25/2012 at 8:36 am #

    Wow, you took him rock climbing? Now I am impressed—by both of you!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 9:27 am #

      He kept crying when he’d look down, but he made it to the top!

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 10:58 am #

      Jen’s right. And she had no clue my bladder was as weak as it was. Jen, so sorry that we had to stop peeing each 2 1/2 minutes.
      Le Clown

      • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 7:53 pm #

        That’s okay. I just wish I had you climbing below me, and not above me. Golden Showers are not so golden…

  8. Viciously Sweet 04/25/2012 at 9:47 am #

    I think you need to take doodle Jen with you and see if the world thinks you are like the new cooler Olsen Twins!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 10:47 am #

      YES! I’ll take my twin to the movies, to dinner, maybe do each other’s hair…

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 11:06 am #

      Viciously Sweet,
      Hi.
      Le Magnificently Sweet Clown

  9. Smaktakula 04/25/2012 at 9:48 am #

    The Clown you depict here seems strangely two-dimensional. And not at all on fire!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 10:48 am #

      You’re right…I should have set him on fire. DAMN!

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 10:57 am #

      Smak,
      I’d like to see you rival Jen’s work. Perhaps you should be next week’s Le Clown’s personal assistant…
      Le Clown

  10. Kyle Williams 04/25/2012 at 10:04 am #

    That is too cool! Very creative!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 10:49 am #

      Thanks! And thanks for stopping by :)

    • clownonfire 04/25/2012 at 10:56 am #

      Kyle,
      Fancy meeting you here? Have you done my flames, yet? And Jen is awesome, isn’t she?
      Le Clown

  11. crubin 04/25/2012 at 3:06 pm #

    No one will be able to top that. Great post! And I’m glad you didn’t drop Le Clown in the toilet by mistake. But as magnificent as he is, surely he would have been able to swim out…

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 7:56 pm #

      I made sure he went through rigorous potty training before I let him go in there by himself.

  12. the howler and me 04/25/2012 at 3:48 pm #

    Frickin’ awesome!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 7:57 pm #

      Thanks! Now go to Clown’s blog and leave an awesome comment so YOU can have this much fun with him.

  13. Brian Westbye 04/25/2012 at 4:15 pm #

    Note for posterity: should’ve left a peek-a-poo in the toilet shot. That would’ve been awesome.

  14. Ink. [Anette] 04/25/2012 at 5:05 pm #

    This is hilarious… you baked him cookies :) Did you squeeze his red nose too?

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 7:58 pm #

      I couldn’t get close enough– he kept squirting me with the flower in his pocket.

      • Ink. [Anette] 04/25/2012 at 8:11 pm #

        I bet he did! I think you’re amazingly brave Jen.

        Just had an epic laugh at your dating translation list. Hilariously funny.

        • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:19 pm #

          If it saves even one person from a Craigslist nightmare then I’ve done my job.

          • Ink. [Anette] 04/25/2012 at 8:26 pm #

            I think you’ve done an amazing job Jen. Your list should be printed in the big newspapers. Some of your points are really frigging scary too, like the concubine in the closet. There are so many weird and fucked-up people out there.
            I found an image should I mail to you now?

          • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:30 pm #

            Really, there ARE so many crazies out there. You have to be really careful because the anonymity of the internet brings out the worst in certain people.

            E-mail me at: SipsofJenandTonic@gmail.com

          • Ink. [Anette] 04/25/2012 at 8:34 pm #

            Okay picture aired, somewhere in cyberspace.

          • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:37 pm #

            OMG. Just looked at the picture. I am going to have a ridiculously good time with this.

          • Ink. [Anette] 04/25/2012 at 8:39 pm #

            Jen, I’m so looking forward, sure you’ll have fun.

          • Ink. [Anette] 04/25/2012 at 8:40 pm #

            Please have fun responsibly.

          • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:56 pm #

            Never

          • Ink. [Anette] 04/25/2012 at 8:58 pm #

            Good. Otherwise I’m not sure I would trust you with my image.

  15. Stacie Chadwick 04/25/2012 at 6:03 pm #

    Jen, you appear to be an excellent assistant. Have you considered asking Le Clown for a raise?

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:03 pm #

      Le Clown got me ten new followers and a ridiculous amount of views today. If I ask him for a raise on top of that he’s going to send Lord Evil Poppy to live with me.

  16. El Guapo 04/25/2012 at 6:56 pm #

    I don’t think Le Clown did any of those things.
    HE WAS FRAMED!!!!
    (No, I couldn;t stop myself, and yes, I did read the rest of the comments to make sure no one else said it)
    *heads back off in ignominy*
    *while chuckling*

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:00 pm #

      I laughed WAAAAAAAY too hard at that. DAMN YOU, EL GUAPO. Why must you be funnier than I am?

  17. Jennifer Worrell 04/25/2012 at 7:50 pm #

    You people positively SLAY me! Just the tonic I needed today!!!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 8:02 pm #

      The comment section on this is funnier than the post itself

  18. kelsgonebush 04/25/2012 at 9:23 pm #

    I wanna come and stay with you ! Will you heat me up cookies and take me rock climing too ? ;) Xx Kel

    • kelsgonebush 04/25/2012 at 9:23 pm #

      Climbing * fingers the size of a mans I swear ….. :D

    • Jen and Tonic 04/25/2012 at 9:36 pm #

      Absolutely! I’ll heat up those cookies like a professional baker.

  19. Jen 04/25/2012 at 11:17 pm #

    LOVE this. I didn’t know you were such a proficient personal assistant Jen…my favourite is you and Le Clown doing a squishy face selfie.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/26/2012 at 8:02 am #

      Aren’t we just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen?

      • Jen 04/28/2012 at 8:23 pm #

        So totes. (That’s what the kids say these days).

  20. lizziecracked 04/26/2012 at 12:21 am #

    SOL! (snort out loud) .. I ts like a three ringed circus in here… I can;t get a seat ringside and I don;t even have a bad pun…. you thought of everything.. that had to be a precarious moment there n the toilet seat no? I woulda said..donuts but that would be it… great job

    • Jen and Tonic 04/26/2012 at 8:02 am #

      The toilet situation went surprisingly well. Clown is a very “regular” guy.

  21. Main Street Musings Blog 04/27/2012 at 11:52 am #

    I was so inspired by your clever clowning that I enlisted all three of my children in the International Le Clown Traveling Circus.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/27/2012 at 10:59 pm #

      Expect a lot of juggling, and water being squirted from their lapels.

  22. clownonfire 05/31/2012 at 3:36 am #

    Jen,
    Just showed this to my son as he wanted to know who gave him a notebook, and he laughed. He said: Papa, you do caca!! And you’re putting make-up!! And you’re eating a cookie…
    Good times,
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 05/31/2012 at 8:56 am #

      Good times, indeed.

      Next time I’ll have to entertain the whole family.

  23. Carolina Courtland 08/30/2012 at 3:00 pm #

    Frickin’ HILARIOUS!!!!

  24. aliceatwonderland 10/29/2012 at 1:56 pm #

    So how many peeps have you gotten to follow you on “Blogtober” post-a-day madness?

  25. UndercoverL 11/13/2012 at 4:08 pm #

    My mind went bad places on this. I have to say that on that last picture, I thought you were going to hop in bed with him. I have this thing about personal assistants. Sorry. No offense meant. I wish I could be so funny.

    • Jen and Tonic 11/18/2012 at 1:35 am #

      You can’t just hop into bed with Le Clown. There’s an application, blood test, psych test and a waiver you have to sign.

      • UndercoverL 11/19/2012 at 9:00 am #

        I wish I had such stringent bedding/mating/marriage rules. Perhaps I would have avoided a lot of headache. ;)

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