A Crappy Post for Sweet Mother

14 Apr

Anyone who has followed my writing for awhile knows that I love to delve into the deepest parts of myself. I’m not talking about tapping into my innermost thoughts and feelings– we all know I’m dead inside. I’m referring to my affinity for discussing those things that take place in the parts of our bodies which only certified medical professionals (and aliens on a probing mission) go. I discussed the unpleasant nature of my menstrual cycle in this post, and who can forget about getting my butt hoovered by a fart-stealing colon specialist?

So it should come as no surprise that when Sweet Mother issued the challenge of taking your picture with a product which aids in colon health, I jumped at the opportunity. Originally I had planned on taking a picture of myself eating a bran muffin, but then I saw that Le Clown got creative and took a picture of himself feeding a squirrel McDonald’s French Fries. I needed to step my game up.

So I went to Rite Aid, and this happened:

I’d like to note a few things:

1. Not only was I able to get a picture of myself with these poopie products, but I also managed to squeeze adult diapers in the shot. That has to earn me some kind of extra credit.

2. I had to take these photos myself which meant needing to do it over and over again since I couldn’t seem to get my face  in the frame. People kept walking by, and giving me a “what the hell?” look. I’m sure seeing someone smash butt medicine up against her face wasn’t something they expected.

3. You should be reading Sweet Mother. I’ll never be as funny as she is, and while this should make me hate her, it actually makes me respect her immensely. If you don’t go to her page right now so help me God…I will do absolutely nothing because you probably live far away from me.

I’d like to extend this challenge to my readers as well. All I ask is that you give Sweet Mother credit somewhere in your post as she is the creator of this asstastic challenge.

Happy crapping!

56 Responses to “A Crappy Post for Sweet Mother”

  1. Garry Crystal 04/14/2012 at 10:34 am #

    Well as everyone knows beauty does come from within so let it rip.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 1:25 pm #

      You’re the type of guy who is turned on by women’s farts? Why am I not surprised…

  2. Brian Westbye 04/14/2012 at 10:38 am #

    Looks like one shit-tastic weekend…

  3. sweetmother 04/14/2012 at 10:41 am #

    oh, glory, glory, glory! i am giggling like a school girl!!!! i’m not kidding. this had me holding myself and spraying my coffee everywhere. good god woman, you are brilliant. brilliant and i can not wait to do your profile. dear lawd, dear lawd. you know how those religious people get all puffed up and taken over by the glory of the spirit and then go running up to the altar and throw themselves at the feet of the preacher…i do that for good comedy. i am doing that right now at the foot of your blog. sweet she-sus (like jesus, but a lady) this is SOOOOOO GOOD. xoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo – now go take the rest of the day off. you deserve it.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 1:35 pm #

      I just imagined you saying, “GLORY BE TO THIS COFFEE, THAT STOOL SOFTENER, AND GAYBY!” Amazing.

      I can’t wait to see what kind of crazy crap (pun intended) you’ll say in your profile.

  4. deanjbaker 04/14/2012 at 11:30 am #

    bet you’re going to become more poopular

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 1:36 pm #

      That’s a huge bet to take, Dean. I doubt it, but if I do, I’ll buy you a beer.

  5. Just Rambling 04/14/2012 at 12:00 pm #

    Whoa my gosh, Jen!!! You seriously had me laughing my BUTT off with this post! I wanted to like it twice. Or at least thrice, you know? You deserve it. But this was hil-a-ri-ous. Also the fact that you took these pictures yourself… yep. You’re amazing. You must be the coolest person in Oregon. I know it. I am confident.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 1:37 pm #

      I wish they had a “coolest person in oregon” sash I could wear around town. I would rock the hell out of it.

      I’m sad I couldn’t take pictures of those people’s faces. At one point I was pretending to chug a bottle of Miralax and some man just looked at me like, “Oh, bless. This one must be full of more poo than a Port-A-Potty.”

  6. Bill Friday 04/14/2012 at 1:23 pm #

    I wonder if the amazingness of this post has covered-over the fact that you picked a box of stool softener that matches your eyes. Coincidence… I think Rite-Aid was in on this from the start. I *smell* a set-up!!!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 1:40 pm #

      YOU KNOW NOTHING OF THIS!

      • Bill Friday 04/14/2012 at 2:37 pm #

        Something about this just DOES NOT pass the *smell* test.

        • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 2:42 pm #

          Look at those color-coordinated eyes– do they look like the kind that could LIE?

  7. Cher Duncombe 04/14/2012 at 1:54 pm #

    Oh Jen, where to begin on this post? At the END, that’s where! As always, you are fatastically funny and now you are bold! You seriously fed a squirrel a french fry? That must have made its day!

  8. clownonfire 04/14/2012 at 3:46 pm #

    Jen,
    You are my favourite person in the world after my wife, my daughter, my son, my friends, the staff at the grocery store, Dr. House, Joan Holloway, the man I bumped into while taking the bus on January 7, 2005, and a random girl. Fucking brilliant.
    Le Clown

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 8:28 pm #

      As long as I’m not behind the guy who exposed himself to you at a park in ’86, I’m good with where I fall in the pecking order.

  9. Jennifer Worrell 04/14/2012 at 5:57 pm #

    You seriously taxed my bladder, to the point where I may need those Depends you so brilliantly worked into your delightful photograph and wear them around the house whenever I read your blog…bwahahahahaha! I once had a fourth grade student tell me that knitting is good for your colon…I took it up for awhile, and damned if it didn’t help…

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 8:30 pm #

      Wow, the things you can learn from children. Not only would you be able to take a crap without gripping the toilet seat, but you’d also have a handmade scarf!

  10. El Guapo 04/14/2012 at 6:40 pm #

    Can’t wait to hear about the future searches that bring people to your blog after this!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 8:30 pm #

      I am seriously praying someone will eventually land on my blog by searching “you’re more backed up than NYC traffic during rush hour”

  11. Stacie Chadwick 04/14/2012 at 8:21 pm #

    I have not yet submitted my pic to Sweet Mother. I’m in observation mode, glued to the set as the bar is lifted higher and higher. I’m taking notes too.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/14/2012 at 8:33 pm #

      You better get on it quickly. If you wait too long you’ll be forced to ingest these products, and have someone take a picture of you on the toilet after they kick in.

  12. Janis Justis HSP 04/14/2012 at 11:27 pm #

    Falling off my chair laughing, loving this post and your quirkiness so! :)

    • Jen and Tonic 04/15/2012 at 2:16 pm #

      Quirkiness…I like that! It sounds so much better than some of the other words people use to describe my personality ;)

      • Brian Westbye 04/15/2012 at 2:22 pm #

        “Quirkiness.” Yeah, that’s one word…

        • Jen and Tonic 04/15/2012 at 2:43 pm #

          Care to share with the class which words YOU’D use? Tread lightly, Mr. Westbye.

          • Brian Westbye 04/15/2012 at 2:48 pm #

            I’d go with “Quirkiness!”

          • Jen and Tonic 04/15/2012 at 2:51 pm #

            You narrowly escaped the wrath of J&T….this time.

          • Brian Westbye 04/15/2012 at 4:02 pm #

            Phew…almost shat my pants there…

          • Jen and Tonic 04/15/2012 at 4:14 pm #

            May I recommend one of the Poise pads you see behind me in the picture? They act as a safeguard for those moments…

      • Janis Justis HSP 04/15/2012 at 2:29 pm #

        LOL You are perfect just as exactly as you are, whatever that may be labelled. Never forget that :) xo

  13. saradraws 04/15/2012 at 4:50 pm #

    You have inspired me to get of my ass and get my Sweet Mother Colon Health picture done.
    In short, you, J&T, are an inspiration.

    • Jen and Tonic 04/15/2012 at 5:48 pm #

      If I can inspire even one person to dust off their backed up bowels…I’ve succeeded.

  14. lizziecracked 04/15/2012 at 6:38 pm #

    oh a topic near and dear to my … ass butt if I had only known..for REAL! I coulda thought up something cleverly um..moving .. I;m sure… too funny.. I like the pose with both products… yes for sure .. your best side. ;-)

    • Jen and Tonic 04/15/2012 at 8:03 pm #

      I try to bring the important (and classy) topics to the streets.

  15. Viciously Sweet 04/16/2012 at 8:25 pm #

    This is so funny. Sometimes I like to take pictures doing silly things about the world too. I’m going to have to come up with a dare for you to try out next time you are at the drugstore!

    • Jen and Tonic 04/16/2012 at 8:37 pm #

      YES! I will gladly do any dare you wanna throw my way :D

      • Sword-chinned bitch 04/29/2012 at 9:04 am #

        I love this post! I hate ‘fart stealing colon specialists’! Farts, the only weapons I have left!

        • Jen and Tonic 04/29/2012 at 9:08 am #

          That’s exactly what I tell my boyfriend when I give him a Dutch Oven, but he doesn’t seem to appreciate my farts the way you do.

          • Brian Westbye 04/29/2012 at 9:37 am #

            Oh, the Dutch Oven is mighty.

          • Jen and Tonic 04/29/2012 at 9:38 am #

            Brian, what are you doing later? I feel like cooking something up…

          • Brian Westbye 04/29/2012 at 9:40 am #

            That depends. Does it involve your bedding?

          • Jen and Tonic 04/29/2012 at 9:42 am #

            Or yours. I really like to make people feel as comfortable as possible before I pelt them with my love fumes.

            “DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE TONIC IS COOKIN’?”

          • Brian Westbye 04/29/2012 at 9:46 am #

            I have been groping for many seconds, possibly even minutes, to come up with a suitable bon mot in return, but I can’t possibly touch this. Fork, please.

          • Jen and Tonic 04/29/2012 at 9:47 am #

            When you said you were groping, I thought that comment was going in a different direction.

            I win this round. We shall meet again, Westbye.

          • Sword-chinned bitch 04/29/2012 at 6:59 pm #

            lol!

          • Sword-chinned bitch 04/29/2012 at 7:02 pm #

            I dunno what happened but my ‘lol’ got shifted underneath your reply to Brian below — I’m not drunk!

          • Jen and Tonic 04/29/2012 at 7:16 pm #

            Are you sure? Most of the people who read this blog are chronically drunk.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. How to Properly Use a Colon | Laments and Lullabies - 04/15/2012

    [...] both my ego and my desperate need for approval. There’s been some hard acts to follow (like this gem from Jen and Tonic and Le Clown’s epic McBowel movement), but without further ado, I present [...]

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