You’ve Got Mail

11 Feb

Have you ever wondered what your mail would say about you? I never gave it any thought until I started receiving mail for someone who used to live in my apartment. When we first moved in I expected there to be some overlap, but we are still regularly receiving mail for a person who hasn’t lived here for nearly a year. Just when I think it has finally stopped, I find an invitation to a college alumni event for a university in Tennessee in my mailbox.

Who is this person who had to leave in such a hurry that she couldn’t submit a change of address form to the postal service? Was she a fugitive running from the long arm of the law? Was she a model who suddenly left for a career-making photo shoot? Was she someone who was turned on by the thought of strangers rifling through her mail? I tried looking her up on Facebook, but unlike me, she has a life which is not consumed by hours of social media interaction.

So I put on my detective hat, and looked at the evidence.

Mail former tenant has received in the last week:

  • Supplements catalog
  • BMW dealership flyer
  • Church newsletter
  • Tanning salon coupon
  • Dental cleaning reminder
  • Curves “We Miss You!” postcard
  • Victoria’s Secret catalog

One can only assume she looks something like this:

Credit: Aussie Exotics

Mail I’ve received in the last week:

  • Prilosec OTC sample (What?)
  • Woman’s Day magazine
  • Cleaning supplies coupon booklet
  • Notice that I was getting an “age discount” on my car insurance
  • Coupons for an all-you-can eat buffet
  • Invitation to attend a seminar on saving for retirement
  • Coldwater Creek catalog
  • Flyer for a local waxing salon

If someone were to receive mail on my behalf, they could only assume I looked something like this:

Credit: My extreme sexiness

What do you think your mail would say about you?

37 Responses to “You’ve Got Mail”

  1. Androgoth 04/23/2012 at 3:19 pm #

    I rather like the contrast between the two photographs
    though I wonder what kind of model she would be to not
    offer a forwarding address, of course she could have a
    secret… Well enough of that train of thought, now if it
    were something of mine that was left behind then there
    would more than likely be a few Skeletons in the cupboard,
    maybe even a few Zombies, but as for the letter trail, noo
    that would have been taken care of by the Banshees and
    Ghouls, with a twist on the Werewolves you know what? :(
    Okay an eccentric comment from…

    From Who Exactly?

    Well to find that out why not click for access, you never
    know, I might even let you in to find out more :) Have a
    great rest of day and evening now my friend…

    Androgoth

    • Jen and Tonic 04/23/2012 at 10:26 pm #

      You’re right– what kind of model would up and leave without having some sort of forwarding address? Although, don’t they jet set around the globe?

      • Androgoth 04/24/2012 at 1:53 am #

        Yes the lucky one’s do :)
        Have a great day today…

        Androgoth

  2. Jennifer Worrell 04/01/2012 at 3:46 pm #

    Bed, Bath, and Beyond, Kohl’s, and college bills. Our son, one of the causes for said bill, just received his first Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mail. I assume he’s buying shit for his girlfriend and not cross-dressing. Drag queens make good money these days though…

    • Jen and Tonic 04/01/2012 at 7:06 pm #

      I think it’s good when kids are entrepreneurs….even if it means wearing glittery dresses and enough makeup to power a Dolly Parton tour.

  3. Lafemmeroar 02/21/2012 at 4:57 pm #

    Only you can turn something as ordinary as mail into a funny post! The last pic threw me in for a loop … where ever did you get that image? I once received a newsletter from the AARP and I thought what the heck? I’m not even close to retiring … then I found out about all the benefits of people over 65 like 15% off at International House of Pancakes and I pondered about getting a fake I.D. as I like IHOP. Anyway, great post as always :)

    • Jen and Tonic 02/22/2012 at 12:22 am #

      I got it from a site I LOVE called FaceInHole.com. Seriously, you could spend hours browsing on there and coming up with all sorts of stuff.

      You got something from AARP? I guess the upside is that you and I could share a short stack for less money.

  4. trjensen 02/20/2012 at 6:38 pm #

    I nominated you for an award! http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/02/20/glitter-e-yaynus-award/
    Waahaha!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/21/2012 at 7:58 am #

      You haven’t lived until you’ve received an award with the word “aynus” in it!

  5. Matt Conty 02/14/2012 at 7:56 am #

    Good stuff Jen. Pretty sure our mail says that we go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond 3 or 4 times a day.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/14/2012 at 8:13 am #

      Bed, Bath and Beyond is like my fantasy and worst nightmare combined. You’re so motivated by how your house could be, but as soon as you walk in you think, “I made a wrong turn somewhere in life, didn’t I?”

  6. TJLubrano 02/13/2012 at 7:51 am #

    Ciao Jen! Maybe I told you this, maybe not, but my phone has this weird tendency to suddenly switch. Well, I read this post on my phone and when I read ‘My extreme sexiness’ my phone automatically switched off! I guess it got a bit too hot hehe :)

    Oh my mail…ehm…let me think. Ever since I got registered as a small business I get invites to network thingies and mail to buy heavy machinery for construction work. Only think is…I’m not a construction worker (I think). My dad often stares at it though. I also get clothing and beauty catalogs, like H&M, as I used to order stuff a few years ago, but I stopped doing that and get stuff from Ebay now hehe.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/13/2012 at 9:55 am #

      I should have put a disclaimer on this article! “CAUTION: Extreme sexiness ahead. May cause phone meltdowns.”

      You’re going into construction now? You’re a woman of man talents! Pastry chef, artist, dancer, glitter thrower….

      • TJLubrano 02/14/2012 at 6:53 am #

        I’m not sure if you meant many talent or man talents? But I like to stick with man talents as it totally is a manly talent to throw around with glitter…

        (hahahah)

        • Jen and Tonic 02/14/2012 at 7:55 am #

          *Flexes muscles* MAN TALENTS!!

          • TJLubrano 02/14/2012 at 8:04 am #

            Oh oh wait for me!! *flexes muscles as well*

  7. Samuel M. 02/12/2012 at 11:36 pm #

    Easily the funniest picture I’ve seen since watching my first kegel video.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/13/2012 at 9:44 am #

      I’d like to know what visuals are used in a kegel video.

  8. Janene 02/12/2012 at 7:03 pm #

    Oh man, Jen! That second photo DOES look a lot like you! I guess a person’s mail speaks volumes. Go figure!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/13/2012 at 9:39 am #

      I have several bras just like that one. Over the shoulder boulder holders!

  9. cher 02/12/2012 at 11:43 am #

    My mail is filled with catalogs, Jen! Once I started ordering on-line, they all had my address. I get credit cards that I slice and dice and most of all I get requests for money from the DNC! Those get ripped up too. Heck, I renewed my membership two months ago, sent a donation, and still they want more. From me! Fix the economy and I may consider it. Otherwise, I donate to me…and maybe Ron Paul.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/13/2012 at 9:37 am #

      I don’t get requests for donations from political parties, but I do get them from really obscure charities. Native Americans, animals, elderly, veterans…it’s like these people can SEE my bleeding heart.

  10. Katy Kern 02/12/2012 at 9:00 am #

    Great piece – I laughed out loud when I saw the second picture.

    I have lived in my house for 10 years and still get mail occasionally for the previous – well, I should say tenants. My house has an apartment on the property that the previous owner rented out. And let me tell you one tenant was a stripper – there was some interesting stuff there for a while. :–)

    My mail supply is boring: bills, kid’s school info (which I think should be emailed), and some old design catalogs and magazines but those subscriptions should run out soon… Oh and Entertainment Weekly – been receiving that magazine for decades and I can’t stop. But there is one thing I love receiving on a regular basis and puts the largest smile on my face: the red Netflix envelop ;-)

    • Jen and Tonic 02/13/2012 at 9:35 am #

      After 10 years you’re STILL receiving their mail? Wow! I guess the good thing is that you’re on the inside circuit for the stripping world. If the movie reviewing thing doesn’t work out you’ll have a backup!

      Netflix? Not surprised ;)

  11. Main Street Musings Blog 02/12/2012 at 5:03 am #

    I feel your pain, Jen. Email can be very revealing. So can catalogs. I once wrote a piece about how depressing it is that, according to the national database service, I’ve aged out of Victoria’s Secret, staged out of Destination Maternity, and ripened into JCPenny’s Woman.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/13/2012 at 9:34 am #

      Oh man, JCPenny Woman? That’s like a kick to the ego.

  12. Just Rambling 02/12/2012 at 3:28 am #

    I hardly receive anything in the mail! My mail would definitely say I’m lonely, pathetic and non-existent! :P
    Except that I’m not!

    • Jen and Tonic 02/13/2012 at 9:33 am #

      You are definitely NOT lonely, pathetic and non-existent. Consider yourself lucky for not being on the receiving end of heartburn medication samples!

  13. Bill Friday 02/11/2012 at 9:59 pm #

    Muy Sexy Picture!!!

    As for me and MY mail…? Silence :)

    • Jen and Tonic 02/11/2012 at 10:10 pm #

      I slapped on my most supportive bra, and a brand new pair of pantyhose. I think this is the best I’ve ever looked!

      I have a few ideas of what your mail would reveal, but those ideas are under lock and key.

  14. karensdifferentcorners 02/11/2012 at 6:26 pm #

    I think my mail would say…I hardly ever get any mail, it’s like I don’t exist! Oh well, go to peoplefinder.com you might be able to find her there.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/11/2012 at 10:05 pm #

      You’re off the grid? I want to be off the grid! I think the first step is somehow avoiding getting on Prilosec’s mailing list.

  15. Viciously Sweet 02/11/2012 at 6:13 pm #

    Omg. This is an awesome dissection of your mail. Also, great photoshopping. Now I have to go think about my mail…

    • Jen and Tonic 02/11/2012 at 10:04 pm #

      I wanted to do a Viciously Sweet type of graphic, but it ended up looking like a drunk toddler got a hold of Microsoft Paint.

  16. Paul Chapman 02/11/2012 at 5:53 pm #

    Fantastic work Jen- I just laughed inconsiderately loudly for the time of morning it is here. My mail usually consists of a sample teabag (not to be confused with,

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tea+bag)

    and a bank statement. Just waiting for the Just For Men samples and the reminders that my family would benefit enormously if I took out life insurance.

    • Jen and Tonic 02/11/2012 at 10:03 pm #

      It’s so funny because AS SOON as I read about the tea bag sample, I thought of the Urban Dictionary term. Thanks for the clarification ;)

      Apologize for me to everyone in your household for your sudden burst of laughter. If you show them my sexy photo shoot they’ll understand.

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