Awhile back on my Facebook Fan Page I asked my fans if they’d be interested in having me get drunk and take to my computer to write a post for my blog. I was surprised to see that so many people fully supported this idea. Apparently I have fans who are either: (1) alcoholics or (2) people who like to see me humiliate myself or (3) a combination of the two. Whichever category you fit into, I love each and every one of you.
So this weekend I did the classiest thing I can think of, and got drunk by myself. Prior to sipping on $2 Pinot Grigio (again, classy) I was expecting that I’d have a full manifesto completed by the end of the night. Considering I didn’t even have the energy to turn my computer on, that didn’t happen. Thankfully, I had my notebook with me and was able to jot down a few things before passing out.
Jen’s Drunken Philosophies:
- The “10 second rule” should be changed to the “3 days and it smells okay” rule.
- I look like Gary Busey without makeup on.
- “It’s complicated” isn’t a relationship status. It’s an excuse for two screw ups to keep boning each other.
- Sweatpants should be our nation’s uniform.
- Nickelback has to be the greatest prank ever played on us by the music industry.
- There is nothing America should be more proud of than the Egg McMuffin.
- There’s no such thing as “playing hard to get.” There’s only something called “I don’t want you to get me.”
- Cats are assholes, and that’s why they’re better than dogs.
- Redbull doesn’t give you wings, it gives you diarrhea and chest pains.
- My left boob looks like my right boob’s overgrown sister.
- Urf and Turf!!! (I’m not sure what this means but I’m sure it made a lot of sense at the time.)
There were also illegible scribbles which made it appear as though a coked up serial killer had gotten a hold of my notebook. Additionally, I found random doodles which I thought were pretty good at the time, but after sobering up, only reaffirmed that my career as an artist is dead in the water. After this, I took a shower and put myself to bed at a reasonable hour like the old fart I am.
I wish I hadn’t guzzled so quickly because there may have been more to share. I guess that just leaves the door open for a next time…