The Outsider

28 Sep

Credit: Adapted from Major Arcana

Being around groups of women makes me nervous. I’m not talking about the “I’m feeling a little anxious about meeting new people” type of nervousness, but in the “it feels like it’s raining from my armpits, and my bowels are in such distress I’m afraid I may crap my pants” way. My social skills have never been up to par (shocking, I’m sure) but they are especially terrible when I’m around other women. I can’t relate to most of what they’re talking about, and I find myself having to refrain from constantly making “that’s what she said” jokes.

All of my closest friends have always been men. This has never been by design; in fact, I’ve tried really hard to fit in with the ladies. I’m always on my best behavior at first: no swearing, abstaining from making a disgusted face when someone mentions a movie adapted from a Nicholas Sparks book, and keeping the fact that I’m wearing an adult diaper because of an impending backdoor blowout under wraps. Inevitably, my real personality comes out, and invitations to partake in “girls only” outings begin to dwindle.

On “Bad” Foods

Me: “This is my favorite place. The food here is so good.”
Friend: “Do you know if they have salad?”
Me: “You’re not seriously going to eat a side salad are you? This place has the best wood-fired pizza, don’t be ridiculous.”
Friend: “Ohmigod, I’m going to blow my whole diet.”
Me: “One piece of pizza won’t kill you. Well, unless you choke on it. Chew slowly, I’m not current on my CPR certification.”
Friend: “My pants aren’t going to fit after I’m done eating.”
Me: “May I recommend switching to pants with elastic in the waist? Best decision I ever made.”
Friend: *INTENSE GLARE*

On Going to the Mall

Friend: “Hey, some of us are going to the mall today. Wanna come?”
Me: “What are you guys going to get?”
Friend: “I don’t know. We’re going to just browse around for a few hours. Window shop, you know.”
Me: “Window shop? Eh, I’ll pass.”
Friend: “You’ll pass? What, you have something better to do?”
Me: “Than walk aimlessly around the mall for hours? Actually, I do. I’m going to go to the closest piranha-infested river, jump in, and see if that ‘piranhas can strip a cow to the bone in under a minute’ thing is true.”

On Movies

Friend: “Want to go see a movie with me?”
Me: “Will it have Reese Witherspoon, Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts or Renee Zellweger in it?”
Friend: *Pause* “Maybe.”
Me: “Nope.”

On Pregnancy

Friend: “I love being pregnant. It’s so fun waiting to see what I have.”
Me: “It doesn’t gross you out thinking about your husband’s sperm being stuck inside of you?”
Friend: “What’s wrong with you? No, it’s amazing. I love feeling him or her kick.”
Me: “If I kicked you, you’d have a fit.”
Friend: “Beyond that it’s just how everyone treats you. My boss lets me go home early, people get up for me on the bus, and my husband does all of the chores now.”
Me: “I’d get pregnant so that when I farted, or sneezed and peed myself a little, people wouldn’t get mad at me.”

On Books

Friend: “Did you read the new Twilight book? I am so Team Jacob.”
Me: “Which team sets that book on fire for being a literary disaster? That’s the team I’m on.”

On Weddings

Friend #1: “The most important thing for me about a wedding is the dress. It’s all about the dress.”
Friend #2: “Really? See, I think it’s about the venue. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing if you’re getting married in a warehouse.”
Friend #1: “What about you, Jen?”
Me: “An open bar.”
Friend #1: “An open bar? The most important part of your wedding will be having an open bar at your reception?”
Me: “No, the most important part of your receptions is the open bar because that’s really the only reason I attend weddings anymore.”

On Men

Friend #1: “It’s such a turn on when men are good with children.”
Friend #2: “Totally. I also like it when a man has a job which requires him to wear a suit. Men look so good in suits.
Me: “It’s sexy when men do that helicopter thing with their penises.”

Thankfully, I’ve managed to find a handful of women who have willingly signed up to ride the friendship train to crazy town with me. They love that I shoot straight from the hip. They find it amusing when I get a glazed over look in my eyes anytime the subject of weddings come up. They shake their heads and laugh when I say completely inappropriate things.

All any of us can do is be ourselves. True friendship is not about fitting into a mold; rather, it’s about trying. I try to understand why weddings make them giddy so I can participate in the excitement. I try to see a romantic comedy with them every now and again. I try to empathize when they’re upset over eating dessert despite being on a diet. Mostly, I try and make sure to slap on a diaper when I know I’ll be around them.

18 Responses to “The Outsider”

  1. allywish 07/10/2012 at 3:40 pm #

    Hee hee, ha ha. You make me laugh.

  2. sprigblossoms 10/07/2011 at 11:16 am #

    You are not alone…the girly talk too often bores me to sleep :) We can just be ourselves, and grateful to those few people who accept it that way. Nice post!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/07/2011 at 7:22 pm #

      I’m surprised by how many people can relate! I guess I’m not such a freak of nature after all ;) Thanks for stopping by!

  3. RobynLouise Thomas 10/06/2011 at 10:28 pm #

    Hey, so it’s not just me! I hate kids, hate weddings, hate clothes shopping…I think I was a guy in a past life.

  4. Miriam 10/01/2011 at 7:58 am #

    I just found your blog through BlogCatalog and I can relate to about 90% of this! Liking your posts so far, looking forward to reading more. PS Most of my friends have been guys and in high school, girls always hated that. Now I’m just pretty discerning with female friends, and learned the hard way that “fitting in” is not an option for me. Just means I’ve met some really, really great ladies though!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/02/2011 at 9:54 pm #

      I think you’ve got it right- just be choosy when it comes to friendships. I’ve got really amazing (and understanding!) girlfriends who just get that I’m a little off in the head ;)

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  5. Anna Lefler 09/29/2011 at 9:53 pm #

    Oh, I struggle with some of the same things when my inner dude finds a way to inject himself into the conversation.

    I’ve pretty much given up on trying to contain him, although I’m getting a little better at not adjusting myself in restaurants. (Hey, it’s a start.)

    Love your blog!
    :-) Anna

    • Jen and Tonic 09/29/2011 at 10:30 pm #

      You’ve managed to refrain from adjusting? Please, teach me your ways. I must confess that I read through dozens of your posts, and laughed hysterically at each one. You are one funny lady.

      Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  6. Sara 09/29/2011 at 8:22 am #

    Whatever, you’d TOTALLY be Team Jacob. :)

    Dinner? next week?

    • Jen and Tonic 09/29/2011 at 10:28 pm #

      YOU CAN’T MAKE ME LOVE JACOB!!!!!!!!

      Sure, dinner next week sounds good. Sorry, I’ve been busy planning my Canada trip #firstworldproblems

  7. Jamiessmiles 09/28/2011 at 11:10 am #

    LOL, Trust me you are not alone. My closets friends are the same as you, but they just fake it better. Then roll their eyes at me. I found your dialogues brilliantly funny. Thanks for a great laugh.

    • Jen and Tonic 09/28/2011 at 5:23 pm #

      If I had a dollar for every time I heard a guy say they knew a woman who faked it… ;)

      Glad you liked this!

      • Jamiessmiles 09/29/2011 at 1:55 am #

        Wow, I read that like three times before I got it, LOL :D

  8. Paul Chapman 09/28/2011 at 10:12 am #

    Helicopter penis just being in the tags was funny enough- but the whole article was hilarious. Thankfully, you and Louise sing from the same hymn sheet. Not so sure our marriage would last all that long if she suddenly started bringing home Sex and the City DVDs ;) Great work Jen.

  9. Andres Berrondo (@kryptonight83) 09/28/2011 at 9:40 am #

    Lady Tonic, you’re too funny. I’m sure if we lived near each other we would be great friends. The “penis/helicopter” part was killer. lol, keep the posts coming.

    • Jen and Tonic 09/28/2011 at 5:21 pm #

      We would definitely be great friends, although I make all of my friends do the helicopter penis. Keep that in mind….

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