Being around groups of women makes me nervous. I’m not talking about the “I’m feeling a little anxious about meeting new people” type of nervousness, but in the “it feels like it’s raining from my armpits, and my bowels are in such distress I’m afraid I may crap my pants” way. My social skills have never been up to par (shocking, I’m sure) but they are especially terrible when I’m around other women. I can’t relate to most of what they’re talking about, and I find myself having to refrain from constantly making “that’s what she said” jokes.
All of my closest friends have always been men. This has never been by design; in fact, I’ve tried really hard to fit in with the ladies. I’m always on my best behavior at first: no swearing, abstaining from making a disgusted face when someone mentions a movie adapted from a Nicholas Sparks book, and keeping the fact that I’m wearing an adult diaper because of an impending backdoor blowout under wraps. Inevitably, my real personality comes out, and invitations to partake in “girls only” outings begin to dwindle.
On “Bad” Foods
Me: “This is my favorite place. The food here is so good.”
Friend: “Do you know if they have salad?”
Me: “You’re not seriously going to eat a side salad are you? This place has the best wood-fired pizza, don’t be ridiculous.”
Friend: “Ohmigod, I’m going to blow my whole diet.”
Me: “One piece of pizza won’t kill you. Well, unless you choke on it. Chew slowly, I’m not current on my CPR certification.”
Friend: “My pants aren’t going to fit after I’m done eating.”
Me: “May I recommend switching to pants with elastic in the waist? Best decision I ever made.”
Friend: *INTENSE GLARE*
On Going to the Mall
Friend: “Hey, some of us are going to the mall today. Wanna come?”
Me: “What are you guys going to get?”
Friend: “I don’t know. We’re going to just browse around for a few hours. Window shop, you know.”
Me: “Window shop? Eh, I’ll pass.”
Friend: “You’ll pass? What, you have something better to do?”
Me: “Than walk aimlessly around the mall for hours? Actually, I do. I’m going to go to the closest piranha-infested river, jump in, and see if that ‘piranhas can strip a cow to the bone in under a minute’ thing is true.”
Friend: “Want to go see a movie with me?”
Me: “Will it have Reese Witherspoon, Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts or Renee Zellweger in it?”
Friend: *Pause* “Maybe.”
Friend: “I love being pregnant. It’s so fun waiting to see what I have.”
Me: “It doesn’t gross you out thinking about your husband’s sperm being stuck inside of you?”
Friend: “What’s wrong with you? No, it’s amazing. I love feeling him or her kick.”
Me: “If I kicked you, you’d have a fit.”
Friend: “Beyond that it’s just how everyone treats you. My boss lets me go home early, people get up for me on the bus, and my husband does all of the chores now.”
Me: “I’d get pregnant so that when I farted, or sneezed and peed myself a little, people wouldn’t get mad at me.”
Friend: “Did you read the new Twilight book? I am so Team Jacob.”
Me: “Which team sets that book on fire for being a literary disaster? That’s the team I’m on.”
Friend #1: “The most important thing for me about a wedding is the dress. It’s all about the dress.”
Friend #2: “Really? See, I think it’s about the venue. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing if you’re getting married in a warehouse.”
Friend #1: “What about you, Jen?”
Me: “An open bar.”
Friend #1: “An open bar? The most important part of your wedding will be having an open bar at your reception?”
Me: “No, the most important part of your receptions is the open bar because that’s really the only reason I attend weddings anymore.”
Friend #1: “It’s such a turn on when men are good with children.”
Friend #2: “Totally. I also like it when a man has a job which requires him to wear a suit. Men look so good in suits.
Me: “It’s sexy when men do that helicopter thing with their penises.”
Thankfully, I’ve managed to find a handful of women who have willingly signed up to ride the friendship train to crazy town with me. They love that I shoot straight from the hip. They find it amusing when I get a glazed over look in my eyes anytime the subject of weddings come up. They shake their heads and laugh when I say completely inappropriate things.
All any of us can do is be ourselves. True friendship is not about fitting into a mold; rather, it’s about trying. I try to understand why weddings make them giddy so I can participate in the excitement. I try to see a romantic comedy with them every now and again. I try to empathize when they’re upset over eating dessert despite being on a diet. Mostly, I try and make sure to slap on a diaper when I know I’ll be around them.