Open Letter: Hipsters

28 Jun

Dear Hipsters,

I used to be really fond of you guys. I thought your love of vinyl records was pretty cool. When you brought back wayfarers I shouted with joy. I appreciated your efforts to inform others about the importance of recycling. I adored that you rocked Chucks, my footwear of choice.

Then, somewhere along the way, you became annoying. We’re not talking about the kind of annoying where I can count to ten and go to my happy place. It’s not the type of annoying where you go for a short walk and all is forgotten. I’m talking about the kind of annoying that makes a person want to punch unicorns in the face.

You went beyond simply expressing who you are, and have become contrarians whose main objective is to make the rest of us feel badly for not conforming to your nonconformity. Oh yes, I know. Your kaleidoscope of hair colors, members only jackets and “I brake for vegetables” stickers are pretty cool, but it doesn’t mean the rest of us have to subscribe to it. I’m going to have to see your superiority complex, and raise you a large dose of reality.

You must stop wearing skinny jeans if you are a man. Please. Stop. This is especially loathsome if they are in an obnoxious color like aqua, red, or yellow. You’re a grown man, not a 5-year-old girl whose parents recently started letting her dress herself.  Pairing them with a trucker hat, porn mustache, or tank top only makes you look like someone who recently lost a bet. It’s a pretty safe assumption that a man with sizeable muscles (love or otherwise) would not be able to wear these kinds of pants.

There is absolutely no need to whip out your DSLR camera, iPhone, iPad, Flip Video or any other hipster must-have device and share, via multiple social networking sites, what’s happening at EVERY EXACT MOMENT. You know who does that? Tourists. Nobody cares that you just heard the first song you ever menstruated to, or that you’ve “checked in” at your dentist’s office. You don’t need to publicize that you’ve just downed a glass of Pabst Blue Ribbon, or some equally unsavory beer. You don’t need to talk about the all-natural, locally grown, completely sustainable apple you just devoured in front of your composting bin. Yes, you’re all rock stars, but only in your own minds.

To all of the feminist hipsters, stop getting your panties in a twist about things that really aren’t that important. This is not “Saved by the Bell”, and you are not Jessie Spano. A real feminist donates her time and energy to causes like sex trafficking, genital mutilation or equal pay for men and women in the workplace. You guys (oh, that’s probably offensive) have decided to undertake the dark and sinister world of men reinforcing gender stereotypes by pulling out chairs for women. I’ve heard there is an amazing cure for this condition. It’s called a bar of chocolate and some Midol.

Going through a Rivers Cuomo phase was sort of awesome when Weezer was still making palatable music, but looking “just like Buddy Holly” doesn’t have the same appeal it did, oh, 17 years ago. This trend is especially ridiculous if your vision is 20/20, or worse, if there aren’t any lenses in the frames. It doesn’t make you look smart, or even ironic; it makes you look like someone who wasted $10 at Old Navy.

Oh, I know, you have such refined taste in music. You’ve come to the conclusion that the reason the bands you love so much don’t get signed is because the masses can’t comprehend such beautiful obscurity. It couldn’t possibly be because these musical groups, whose lead singers usually look like a cross between a “Newsies” extra and Huckleberry Finn, sound like drugged alpacas which have somehow gotten a hold of synth keyboards.

Why are you so upset that some of us drink Starbucks coffee, or shop at stores like Target? I’m all for helping out mom and pop businesses, but sometimes a girl needs to quickly pick up tire cleaner, underwear and some dishes. I can’t do that at “Pandora’s Emporium of Vegan Cheeses and Hemp Necklaces” so I choose a mass retailer where I can do my one-stop shopping. Yeah, it’s soconsumerist of me. Isn’t this sort of hypocritical considering every single one of you worships at the altar of Steve Jobs? The last I heard, Apple was sort of a big company.

I totally get that living in “The City” is the be-all and end-all for some of you, but that doesn’t mean it is for the rest of us. The way I see it, you’ve got more crime, a higher cost of living, and dive bars which are typically filled with people who smell like patchouli and Parliament Lights. I’m not asking you to give up on your life by wearing sweater sets and driving minivans like the desperate housewives do out here, but just to realize that there are people who don’t enjoy late night food cart binges and last minute dance parties (usually with an 80’s or pirate theme) as much as you do.

I’m sure some of you are sitting there sipping on your Kombucha while listening to Belle & Sebastian and thinking, “She is totally criticizing our uber-hip culture.” Well, you’re wrong. Your culture is not uber-hip.

I also realize that some of you won’t even know this is about you, and that’s okay. It takes a long time for everyone to confront the darkest parts of themselves, and there’s nothing darker than being a hipster.

I have high hopes for all of you. I know one day you’ll come down from those high horses you’ve been perched upon, and come to your senses. You’ll take off the glasses, pour yourself a glass of Blue Moon, and listen to some Led Zeppelin. Until then, I’ll just be here, punching unicorns in the face.

Sincerely,

The Tonic

17 Responses to “Open Letter: Hipsters”

  1. El Guapo 10/29/2012 at 2:28 pm #

    Just thought I’d bury this comment back here out of the way.
    I’ve seen your comments on some of the blogs we both visit, and just wanted to say, sincerely, that you’re a class act. I have never seen you comment in a way (on a serious post) that wasn’t considered, well thought, and well expressed.
    Rock on, Jen!

    Also, loved this post, amen on the Pabst and Blue Moon, and while not a hipster, I did finally break down and get a pair of Ray Ban modified Wayfarer frames for my prescription glasses.
    Because they’re still cool, no matter how many hipsters wear them.

    • Jen and Tonic 10/29/2012 at 2:49 pm #

      Wow, that was a really nice comment! I pride myself on being totally outlandish, but also having a side that looks more like a human being than a cyborg sent from Planet Crazy. You saying that meant a lot to me.

      Also, I own Ray Bans too. They are legitimately the best glasses I’ve ever owned. If you see me start slipping into the hipster abyss while wearing skinny jeans, I want you to beat me over the head with said glasses.

      • El Guapo 10/29/2012 at 2:51 pm #

        Likewise.
        We’ll call it a homicide pact.

        And there’s not a jury in the world that would convict.

  2. Kathryn 10/03/2012 at 8:34 pm #

    This is brilliant!!!

    • Jen and Tonic 10/03/2012 at 8:48 pm #

      Wow! Surprised to see a comment here after it was posted so long ago.

      Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed it :)

      • Kathryn 10/04/2012 at 4:03 am #

        I stumbled upon it and couldn’t help but tell you how good it was! I laughed until I was near crying! :)

  3. deanjbaker 04/03/2012 at 9:41 am #

    enjoying all your work

  4. atelian33 03/26/2012 at 8:51 am #

    Okay, first of all, how am I the first person to like this post? That was amazing! Second of all, the line about the guys in skinny jeans being 5 year olds dressing themselves for the first time, NAILED IT! I cannot stand hipsters! It’s unbelievable. The worst part is though, they’re too cool to read this blog and unfortunately your words of wisdom are only being read by us, the people who already hate hipsters as much as you. Trying to convert someone off of hipsterism is like trying to convert me to Mormonism, not gonna happen. Great post!

    PS It’s Jessie Spano. I only know this because I literally just wrote her name in my next post about 35 seconds ago.

    http://www.adamtelian.com

    • Jen and Tonic 03/26/2012 at 8:22 pm #

      This was actually posted on another site, and I put this up here to have some material when I first started this blog.

      Some day this blog will be “vintage” and all of the hipsters will be flocking to it in full force. By that time they’ll have come up with a whole new list of really annoying behaviors, and all of this will be lost on them.

      Thanks for the heads up on the Jessie Spano thing. Editing now :)

  5. clarkscottroger 09/22/2011 at 4:03 am #

    totally agree, (getting old) exacts it’s own revenge on those who, while young, think that they are different*
    Pick a generation….any generation! There are always those who insist they are the epitome of change…we are different crowd. And for some totally un-known reason these are the same people who ‘mis-remember’ the past!

    …but then again, don’t *even* get me started on Civil War Re-Enactors…what a bunch of rogers!**

    *btw I would trade a large body-part for the ability to apply italics to these here Comments here
    ** one of the three personality types of the Wakefield Doctrine

    • Jen and Tonic 09/22/2011 at 10:36 am #

      I laughed out loud at your comment about Civil War Re-Enactors. I feel the exact same way :D

      You’re also right about any generation having its people who think they’re on the cutting edge of everything. An old lady once told me, “I don’t know why you kids get so excited about blowjobs- like you invented them. How do I know? Because I was doing them when I was your age.”

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